In this week���s Marriage Diaries, Tiwalade shares how she ignored her instincts when her relationship moved too fast, the pregnancy that made her question whether she wanted to stay married, and why she���s now counting the days until she can leave.

Got a marriage story to share? Please油油and we���ll reach out.

I never really wanted marriage

I wasn���t sure I���d ever get married, so I didn���t spend much time thinking about it. Don���t get me wrong, I loved the idea of love. My friends would even call me a hopeless romantic. I had so many romance novels that I used to rent them out to friends. But I also understood that what I read in books and watched in movies wasn���t necessarily real life.

My parents didn���t have a good marriage. They loved each other in their own way, but theirs wasn���t the kind of relationship that made you eager to get married. My mum used to say my dad only changed after they had children, and as he got older.

For a long time, I told myself I didn���t want to get married or have children. I imagined finding a companion and figuring out life together without necessarily getting married. That was what I wanted, but I never said it out loud. 

Then I met my husband, and everything moved quickly. We dated for about six months and got married by the eighth month. He was very serious about marriage, and he made that clear from the beginning. The first time he met my parents, he told them he planned to marry me.

I remember we even had a small fight because that meeting was only supposed to be a casual visit. Looking back, maybe that was when I should have paid more attention. Once he decided he was ready for marriage, it started to feel like I was the one holding things up. Even my family told me that if I wasn���t ready, I should let him go.

Before the wedding, he was nice, patient and kind. Looking back, I feel like he hid his red flags well. From the first year of our marriage, I started regretting that I hadn���t listened to myself.

In these past few years, the only thing I haven���t experienced is physical abuse. I���ve dealt with infidelity, emotional and financial abuse, gaslighting, everything you can think of. Sometimes, it feels like I���ve been married for a decade. Then I remember it���s only been three years.

We started fighting almost immediately

I didn���t expect our problems to start so soon. From the stories I���d heard, the early years of marriage were supposed to be the sweet, peaceful part. Mine wasn���t like that.

The month we moved in together, we had a major fight while setting up the house. I wanted the bedroom to look a certain way, while my husband had a different idea. He reminded me that he���d let me design the kitchen however I wanted, and I didn���t like what I thought he was implying.

I asked if he was saying I should be confined to the kitchen because that was my place. I���ll never forget his response: ���Whose place is the kitchen if not yours?���

We shouted at each other and didn���t speak for about three days. Eventually, I was the one who apologised. I remember wondering if this was what our marriage would look like every time we disagreed.

Well, I was right. Since then, there���s always been one argument or another. Most of the time, I just find ways to keep the peace. I still feel like it���s too early to start involving other people in our marriage, so I���ve mostly had to figure things out on my own.

Pregnancy made me question everything

The first time I seriously questioned whether I could stay in the marriage was when I got pregnant. I was very sick and didn���t understand what was happening to my body. My husband never said it directly, but I felt like my pregnancy irritated him. He moved into another room, and we didn���t have sex throughout the pregnancy. Whenever I tried to initiate, he had an excuse. I kept reminding him that we were still in the early stages and could have sex, but he didn���t want to hear it.

I started wondering if I could actually stay with him. At one point, I even had the dark thought of ending the pregnancy because I didn���t want to feel tied to the marriage. I don���t know if it was the hormones, but I remember feeling that way. What made everything more confusing was that he still showed up for me in other ways. He followed me to my hospital appointments, made sure I had everything I needed and even offered to get someone to help take care of me.

I couldn���t make sense of the contradiction. I eventually prayed about it and convinced myself I was probably overreacting. Somehow, the doubts passed.

Finding out about my husband���s affairs changed how I handle conflict

Late last year, I went through his phone. He���d been telling me he didn���t have money, and I knew he wasn���t being truthful, so I wanted to check his account balance or find something that would explain what was going on. When I finally got the chance, I didn���t find any debit or credit alerts. Instead, I found messages between him and two different women.

It wasn���t even the first time I���d suspected he was cheating. I���d once found a condom in his travel bag, but he managed to explain it away with a series of lies. This time, I had evidence, so I confronted him.

I still don���t know if there���s a right way to have a conversation like that, but it quickly became a heated argument. Instead of addressing what I���d found, he focused on my invasion of his privacy. He emotionally blackmailed me so much that I started wondering if I was the one who had done something wrong.

That experience changed how I approach certain conversations. I became much more careful about what I say and how I say it.

Now, he���s expecting a child with another woman. I found out from his phone again, but I pretended I didn���t know for a while. Eventually, I told my mum because carrying it alone had become too much.

She advised me to approach him gently. This time, he admitted that he���d had something to do with the woman but insisted he wasn���t the father of the child. I know he���s lying because I read their messages, and what I saw didn���t look like a fling.

That���s where we are now. He insists nothing is still happening between them, and I���m trying to be patient. But at this point, I���m counting the days until I can leave the marriage. I know my time is up.

I don���t recognise who I���ve become

I���ve lost parts of myself over the past couple of years. I���m quicker to anger now, and I wasn���t like that before. I���m constantly on the offensive because I feel like the other person is trying to get one over on me. I used to be slow to react, almost to a fault. Now, my husband has brought out a side of me I didn���t know existed.

It���s affected my relationships outside the marriage, too. Earlier this year, I spent a week at my parents��� house and found myself constantly shouting at my siblings or complaining about something. My mum eventually asked, ���When did you become like this?���

That question stayed with me for the rest of my visit. I had to consciously stop myself from reacting to little things my siblings did. The funny thing is, they were things I would have laughed about before.

Having a child in the middle of all this hasn���t made things easier. Sometimes, I feel like I���m losing my mind. My baby could be throwing a tantrum while I���m already dealing with another issue with his dad, and it all becomes too much.

I can���t wait to feel like myself again.

I should have listened to myself

If I could go back, I���d tell myself to listen to that first instinct about wanting a companion instead of pushing myself towards marriage. Even now, I think about leaving once I���m financially capable of standing on my own. But I don���t know if it���ll be as easy to do as it sounds in my head.

If I could advise my younger self, I���d tell her to listen to herself. Don���t let people talk you into making a decision because they think it���s right for you. I wish I had listened.

油*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

Got a marriage story to share? Please油油and we���ll reach out.

Temi (35) and Wumi (32) met on an Africa Magic film set in 2022. 

On this week’s Love Life, they talk about a week of living together before they were officially dating, a proposal disguised as a baby shower, and building their own production company alongside their marriage. 

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Wumi: We met on the set of an African Magic series in October 2022. I’d been shooting for a couple of months, then the story got to a point where they were going to bring in some new characters; very wicked ones, too. Everyone on set was curious about who would play them. Then someone mentioned that one Temi Fosudo was playing one of the characters a day before he arrived. But his name didn’t register because I���d never heard of him. He joined us on set the next day, and I could finally put a face to his name.

Temi: I actually always assumed we had the same first memory of each other. I didn���t know she had this preamble. Anyway, my first memory of Wumi was the day I joined the Itura production.

I walked into the actors’ holding room greeting everyone, and I saw her. Normally, I don’t remember faces when I walk into a crowded room, because it overstimulates me and I just look for a corner to sit in. But her face registered properly for reasons I didn���t understand. We said hello, and that was all.

What was it about her that registered with you, Temi?

Temi: It wasn’t anything physical. I think she was in costume, and her natural hair was out, but it was really her aura. She had a very welcoming spirit.

Wumi: I remember I was actually done for the day and wanted to go back to the lodge. But I looked up when he came in and spent an extra second looking at him. My first thought was that he was a fine boy. He had a shy smile. Then someone shouted “baby” at him, and I thought, who���s already calling him baby? It turned out they just knew each other from the set. The way he answered was also very calm. He came off as a well-mannered guy.

So what happened after that first day?

Temi: I was keeping to myself most of the time. During that period, I lived in Ibadan, so it was usually a long, exhausting drive to Lagos. Whenever I got to set, I just wanted my own space and all. Then, one day, she conned me into playing Ludo with her.

Wumi: I was looking for someone new to beat, since I was beating everybody on set. Everyone else had gone to shoot, so it was just him and a few others in the holding room. I asked if he played Ludo, and he said yes, and I beat him three-nil. He has refused to play with me again since then.

Screaming.

Temi: She didn’t cheat, I’ll admit. But during the game, we also spent a lot of time talking, bantering, and just getting to know each other on a surface level. I remember we also took a stroll and talked about the book I was writing. Then, another night, I drove us to the supermarket. I bought her something without thinking, and it turned out she bought me something too. It was a cute and friendly moment. I remember walking back to her saying, ���Hey, I bought this for you,��� and she also went, ���I bought this for you, too.���

Wumi: During this period, I also found out Temi wasn���t exactly a big talker. I found that interesting because it meant I could do most of the talking and he could listen. I remember telling him I was on a man cleanse, which might have been too much information, considering we���d only just met. But that was also how easy it was to be around each other. The whole time, I didn’t know he was registering it all. I also found out he was a writer and was working on a book at the time, so that was fun for me. We had so much to talk about.

The funny thing is, while checking him out online, I found out his dad is the legendary actor Sola Fosudo, and that one of my best friends, Wendy, knew him. Her brother went to university with him. We had so many mutual friends that I wondered where he’d been all this time.

Sounds cute. What was going on in your love lives at the time, though?

Temi: I was in a relationship. I was driving to see my girlfriend in Ibadan almost every weekend and coming back on Sunday or Monday. The relationship was already having problems, though I didn’t tell Wumi at first. The babe and I eventually realised we weren’t compatible.

Wumi: I was single. The fact that Temi had a girlfriend actually made me more comfortable with him, because I didn’t have to worry that he’d like me or that something weird would happen. I did feel a twinge of disappointment, because he’s a fine boy and I would have loved to flirt a little. But I’m monogamous, and if you have someone and you move to me, you’ve lost me. So I thought, okay, moving on.

Temi: I eventually broke up with the lady. The relationship had just run its course. At the time, Wumi and I were just friends. She was in Lagos, and I was in Ibadan, and we didn’t even have each other’s numbers, only Instagram, where we chatted here and there. 

However, when the relationship ended, I told her I was single now. I wasn’t making a move, I told her as a friend, because she knew I used to travel to see my girlfriend. But part of me knew that if I didn’t say it, we’d never find out if there was something worth pursuing.

I see. And how did you take that news, Wumi?

Wumi: This is so funny because I remember the day he told me. I stood up and started dancing where I was, and I don’t know why. I called one of my friends and told her he was single. She asked why I was happy, and I said, because now I can flirt without feeling guilty. That’s when I realised I’d been suppressing something. Before then, he wasn’t even in my subconscious.

Curious. How did the friendship play out now that you were both single?

Wumi: Honestly, we only just grew deeper as friends. We found out our birthdays are two days apart, and we finally exchanged numbers. He wasn’t a fan of long calls until me, and we’d talk into the middle of the night. We talked about everything: family, religion, feminism, and football. I’m a feminist, and I don’t usually call men feminists, but I would call him one. We debated a lot, but the conversations were healthy. He was more serious than I’m used to, and also goofier than I expected. He found out I watch football too. He’s a Liverpool fan, and I support Man City, who are having a bad time right now.

Temi: I liked that we shared similar values, and that we could argue and still be fine afterwards. In fact, I liked what was happening between us, and I think that was when I first started to picture us as an item. But somewhere in all that certainty that I liked her, I also knew that it���s easier to fall for someone when you haven���t really been in the same physical space with them at length. That���s how you know if they���re an actual version of everything they���ve projected. By that time, we���d gone out a few times and hung out. But about two months in, I proposed something weird.

I said we should spend one week together in the same space. 

Wumi: Most people go on a date or two, but he wanted us to be together for days. If we still felt the same connection and attraction after that, we’d see where it went. I kept asking what he wanted, and he’d say, “You’ll soon know.��� I told him that sounded like a threat. I���d also joked earlier on that I was still enjoying the streets, and he told me my time on the streets was up. Meanwhile, in my head, I was only just getting started.

Right. But how did you really feel about his proposal?

Wumi: I hadn’t felt that kind of tension since my first day of secondary school. I was about two years out of a long relationship and taking my time, so this wasn’t in my plans. But I was open to it. 

On the agreed-upon week, he drove to Lagos and brought yams and meat, because I’d told him I don’t like the market and I don’t like cooking. We went to the supermarket, and I bought everything I wanted, chocolate included, and I was ready to pay my share. Then this man brought out his card and paid for everything. I remember joking that he must have plenty of money, and he said it wasn’t plenty, but he could afford what we needed. I liked that answer.

What was the week like?

Wumi: It was easy. We watched movies, went out, and talked. It felt like we were already married, which was weird and scary. I’d decided not to hide anything, so if he did something I didn’t like, I told him straight away. I don’t like it when people move my things, and he moved a hair cream. I told him not to do that again. It was a very nice week.

Temi: I think it also helped that we���d met up a couple of times before this long stretch spent together. So it wasn���t like something that happened completely out of the blue. 

Did staying with a man for a whole week worry you, Wumi?

Wumi: A little. I’m cautious and very security-conscious. But our mutual friends lived about fifteen minutes from my house, and Wendy’s brother had known him since university. Everyone said he was cool. I had also lived with a partner before, so staying with someone wasn’t new. What made me anxious was opening myself up mentally, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold certain things back.

Would you say you achieved the outcome you wanted from that visit?

Temi: I did. It was a deciding move for me. I already believed she was someone I could spend my life with, but I needed to be completely sure. People can be different when you share a space with them. I wanted to simulate marriage. If it didn’t work, we’d still be friends. My own house in Ibadan was always full of younger boys and friends, so there was no privacy there. That was why we decided on her place in Lagos.

Wumi: I’m hearing this for the first time. I thought he was trying to show me that a relationship isn’t the worst thing for me at this point in my life. I had no idea he was thinking about marriage. I’m glad I was open to it.

Temi: Anyway, I left her place knowing I was going to ask her to be my girlfriend and that I wanted to marry her. Saying the marriage part out loud so early sounded a bit psychopathic, so I kept it to myself.

When did you ask her out?

Temi: A few weeks later, at a film festival run by my best friend. This was sometime around April, 2023. We were watching a movie, and a character recited a love poem in Yoruba. I don’t speak Yoruba, but I repeated the poem beside her and asked her to be my girlfriend.

Wumi: I said yes, but I told him that wasn’t how I wanted to be asked. I told him to use his words and tell me why he wanted me to be his girlfriend, and that he couldn’t sleep without me. He planned a proper dinner and asked again, as a surprise, about a month later. The funny thing is, that was something I just said in the moment to tease him. We were already dating, so I didn’t expect him to ask a second time. But he did.

The first time was April 27th, and the second was in late May. I still think the film festival is the foundation of everything we’re building now, because I wasn’t that invested in the industry before.

What were the early days of the relationship like?

Temi: Dreamy. It felt like an unending honeymoon phase, and I think right now it feels like we���re back to the early days of our relationship in a way. There was no moment where I thought I’d made a mistake. We debated a lot, and it pushed us to learn more. 

Wumi: Everything he said. I got a lot more grounded in my knowledge of the industry. Before, I just wanted to act and keep it moving. But Temi pushed me to be more involved in the festivals and all the other moving parts of our craft. And it was vice versa.

I was a fashion and beauty editor at the time, and he learned a lot about fashion and beauty from me. He was also planning to move to Lagos anyway, since he was almost always shooting here and barely spent time in his place in Ibadan. Everything just worked well in those early days. But we also had small hiccups here and there.

And how did you handle these ���hiccups���?

Wumi: So in my past relationships, if we fought, I was always ready to up and leave. With Temi, it was different. I’d tell him how I felt because I wanted us to work through it, not because I wanted to fight more. I used to be stubborn about wanting an answer immediately. Eventually, he explained that he always needed time to sort through his feelings before he could handle whatever we were going through in any given moment. It took some getting used to, but we found a balance. He���s since learnt to think a little faster, and I wait a little longer.

Temi: I think it���s because I���m somewhat conflict-avoidant. I like to debate issues with myself first before addressing them head-on. For me, it���s never about trying to win the argument; I’m only trying to get to the truth. However, it turns out that when I only argue with myself, I’m using only the facts I have, and when I finally tell her, she adds a detail I didn’t know, so all that time was wasted. 

I’ve learned to speak sooner and explain why I do things. 

Wumi: Over time, we���ve also learnt to accept that one person isn���t trying to hurt the other when they communicate their issues. When I got suspicious about something he���d done, he’d ask why I thought he’d do something on purpose. That helped me separate the issue from him and remember that he’s a kind and honest person first.

Nice. When exactly did marriage come up?

Wumi: At some point, Temi asked what I thought about marriage. I hadn���t really given it much thought after my last relationship. Yet, when he brought it up, I said I���d do it as long as it���s with him. 

Then one night at home, with his friend around, we measured each other’s ring fingers. I think he engineered that conversation so well that I didn’t realise it was pre-planned. On September 30th, 2023, five months into dating, he asked me to marry him.

Temi: I was sure. By that point, I’d become very strict about who I dated, and I was ending talking stages in three days. When I met Wumi, I knew I���d gotten to my final bus stop. I didn’t see the point of dating for a year to prove something I already believed. Before you propose, you should already be talking about marriage, and we were.

Wumi: It was a really cute proposal, too. 

Awwwn. Tell me about it.

Wumi: He plotted with my friends and they successfully pulled a surprise on me. I genuinely thought I was attending a friend���s baby shower. I even paid my part of the contribution for the said friend. That morning, I woke up with an allergy and nobody could convince me to wear heavy makeup or wear a purple dress, because that���s my favourite colour. I got to the venue, saw ���Will you marry me?��� and it still didn���t dawn on me.

It took five different possibilities before I realised it was mine and saw someone recording me. I sat down and laughed for a long time before I could walk over. Then Temi forgot his lines. Our song was playing, and all I remember is him saying there was nobody else he’d rather spend his life with.

Temi: The hardest part was finding the ring. She wanted a purple stone, and I couldn’t find one anywhere, so I had to have one made. I hid my phone the whole time because she notices everything. I told her I was writing a script for someone, and her friend helped by telling her she was trying to reach me for work. I���m glad we pulled it off.

We had our introduction in December 2023 and got married in June 2024.

How would you describe the marriage so far?

Temi: Amazing. We’re still building on the same foundation of friendship, openness, honesty, and love. There was a period when our arguments got too heated, but it didn’t last. We share everything, finances, dreams, plans, and she���s also learning to share her food.

Wumi: I can’t remember half of what used to cause those heated arguments. But a big part was probably keeping our individuality in marriage. I like to push him, and I struggled with knowing when to stop. I was also frustrated with work, and he had a lot going on, too, so small comments kept building up. 

At one point, I told him that at the end of the day, he was just a man, and that comment really got to him more than I intended. I’d been projecting things from past experiences. I eventually had to remind myself that this is Temi, not every man out there.

Temi: It also helps that one of us is always willing to step back, and most of the time it’s me. We can���t keep going at it band for band when emotions are high. Sometimes I stop responding in that moment, and she knows to stop pushing as well. 

We���ve also just realised that we���re in this together. Whatever we���re both going through, we always come back to the same table where we���re both seated. I���m the person for her, and she���s the person for me.

Neat. How would you say this relationship has changed you?

Temi: My style is more expressive now. But I’ve also gained a creative partner. For years, everyone I shared ideas with was a man, my dad or my friends. Now I have a woman who starts giving me ideas before I’ve finished a script, and she sees things from an angle I can’t. She’s also brought structure into my creative life, and I���m forever grateful for that.

Wumi: Being with Temi has changed me in many beautiful ways. I found my person, but I���ve also found my calling. I’m building a production company with my husband, whom I always call my genius. People see and say I’m glowing, and that���s the truth. I can have bad days and the moment I see him, and he hugs me, everything is well with the world again.

We also have regular check-ins where we ask each other if we’re happy and if we feel loved. All in all, our relationship has made me a lot more secure in my career, and I feel reassured that I���m not going through life alone. 

Speaking of career, how has it been working together in the same industry?

Wumi: Awesome. As I said, Temi���s a genius. I love that I play my part in sharing creative ideas with him and helping him bring his ideas to life in the best way possible.

We made a short film called Tell It No More, which is on YouTube, and we recently shot another one that’s in post-production. Then there’s our play, . When we met, Temi kept telling me about a story he’s carried for years. When I heard it, I thought it would touch hearts and shake some tables. The first run in Lagos was widely received. We did it again, and now we’re staging it a third time in October with Alliance Francaise, all within a year.

Temi: I���ll add that it hasn���t always been completely seamless. We argue and have our little back-and-forths. But neither of us holds back, and we always find a way to make it work. 

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your love life?

Temi: A 10. I’m happy, my life is more interesting, and it’s easier to dream when someone is dreaming beside you.

Wumi: A 10 as well. It’s so much fun being in love with Temi, and it feels like a breath of fresh air. I didn’t think it could be this good, and I don’t talk about how good this feels because I feel like I’d jinx it. But this is my guy. 

If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this油.

Even as adults with jobs, children and responsibilities of their own, their parents still find ways to show up for them financially, whether it���s paying their rent, sending them monthly allowances or helping them through difficult times.

Ibrahim*, 35

I���m married with kids, and so are my two siblings. We all have our own jobs, but our dad still insists on sending us monthly allowances. It���s not because he���s extremely wealthy or anything. He���s just always worried about how we���re coping with how expensive everything is. He constantly says life wasn���t this hard during his own time, so he wants to chip in. I don���t know how much my siblings get, but I���m the lastborn and receive ���150k every month. It���s something I really appreciate. At this point, he doesn���t really owe us anything. But he has refused to let us figure things out ourselves.

Bukola*, 29

My parents have paid my rent twice. They initially opposed my decision to move out, but I eventually made them see reason. At the time, my rent was about ���850k, and I could afford it without issues. Then my landlord increased it to ���1.5m in 2024, and I struggled to raise the whole amount. 

I eventually told my mum, who told my dad. I was initially angry because I knew he���d ask me to come home. Instead, I randomly received a ���1m alert from him for rent. I wasn���t planning to ask them this year, but he sent it again because my rent expires in October. I probably would have figured out my rent regardless, but having parents who are still showing up for me like that isn���t something I take for granted.

Seun*, 40

I lost my job last year, and things became really tough. I tried to keep everything from my mum because I didn���t want her to worry, but she eventually found out. Since then, she sends foodstuff to our house at least once every two months and has put me on a monthly allowance. The funny thing is that she���ll still call sometimes to ask me to do small things, like recharge her phone or buy something. I���ll start panicking that I���m stressing her finances, only for her to send my allowance again at the end of the month. I���m finally starting a business soon, and she���s financing part of it. She���s my role model for the type of father I want to be. I don���t subscribe to the idea that your parents don���t owe you anything once you���re past a certain age. Obviously, this shouldn���t encourage entitlement. But you should have that assurance that if everything else fails, there���s always love and help at home.

Risikat*, 49

I lost my husband in 2023, and since then, my parents have insisted on paying the school fees of my two children. I don���t even have to remind them before they pay. I work and I���m also catered for by my late husband���s estate, but I���m still grateful that at my age, I have parents who are willing to take care of me like that. They actually wanted to send me money for upkeep too, but I refused. That���s why they insisted on paying my children���s school fees instead. I���m always grateful because having parents who still care for me this way means everything.

Dara*, 32

I���m 32 and still living with my parents, and they still take care of me. When I was about to turn 30, I put so much pressure on myself to leave their house. They weren���t complaining; I was the one who felt I shouldn���t still be there. So I moved out and started squatting with a friend, but my life got worse. I suffered in every sense of the word. One day, I went home, and my parents were genuinely worried by how I looked. I broke down and told my mum everything. She made sure I moved back that same week, and they���ve never pressured me.

Deji*, 37

My siblings and I have been blessed with the kindest parents. At our age, we still go to them when we���re in need, and they come through for us. I���m always shocked when people complain about black tax because I can���t relate. In my family, it���s the opposite. If any of us runs into major financial trouble, our parents are the first people we call. They���ve removed the pressure of thinking you can���t ask your parents for help after a certain age. I don���t like asking all the time because I want to maintain that respect, but they don���t care. They still see us as their little children.

 *Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

Chris (36) and Dara (34) met through Couch Surfing in 2021. 

On this week’s Love Life, they talk about a squeezed taxi ride in Togo that changed everything, a “what are we” conversation that took months to turn into an actual relationship, and building both a marriage and a tour company across two continents.

If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this油.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Chris: 2021. I’d gotten a Nigerian visa right before the pandemic, valid for two years, and I never got to use it. With a few months left before it expired, I booked a short weekend trip to Lagos over July 4th. At the time, I was really into Couch Surfing, which is a website where you can meet locals and stay with them during your travels. That���s how I found Dara’s profile. 

She’d travelled around West Africa and seemed passionate about exploring Nigeria too. I thought she was an interesting person. So I messaged her, introduced myself properly, and told her about my travels. Thankfully, she responded quickly enough and offered to host me at her home in Nigeria. She said she’d show me around Lagos, and we could even take a trip to Abeokuta. I was sold immediately.

Dara: That���s also my earliest memory of Chris. I’d been on the Couch Surfing website as a guest for about a year before I got my own apartment and started hosting. But Chris wasn’t my first guest. A few months earlier, I���d hosted another guy from Singapore. 

Chris reached out in June, and I was really tickled when he mentioned that he’d been to over 130 countries. He also introduced himself properly instead of just asking to crash at mine. He shared in detail the last country he visited, why he���s interested in seeing Africa and why he wants to visit Nigeria. I was sold.

Coincidentally, I’d also just started a personal project to visit 30 Nigerian states before turning 30, so when someone said “come show me Nigeria,” I was thrilled to play tour guide.

Take me through his first visit. How did that go?

Dara: He arrived on July 4th. It was a Saturday morning. I picked him up from the airport, we dropped his bags at my place, and went straight to Abeokuta the same day. We didn���t waste time at all. We made it down to Olumo Rock in Abeokuta, visited the Olusegun Obasanjo Presidential Library, and I got him to try amala and okra. 

I remember he was somewhat hesitant with the okra, so we swapped bowls, and he ended up loving my plate of amala. The next day, we were back in Lagos. He still wanted to see so many places, so we did the Nike art gallery and the beach. That was where he filmed his first viral video, joking that people had warned him not to come to Lagos because he’d die. It got about 5000 views in a day, which felt massive at the time. By Monday, I went to work and left him the keys to explore Lagos Island alone before his evening flight.

Curious, Chris. What were your thoughts on staying with a complete stranger?

Chris: I’d done Couchsurfing with plenty of people before, so I wasn’t overly anxious. I was just excited for the places we’d see, and Dara seemed like a genuinely nice person. There wasn���t much to worry about.

Dara: On my end, I always take safety precautions with male guests. I’d sleep in the living room on a spare duvet and lock the door separating it from my bedroom, just for my own peace of mind. Nothing strange happened at all.

That first trip really stood out for a number of reasons. First, I was intrigued by the way he ate. Most foreigners are visibly cautious with their first bite of unfamiliar food, but Chris just dug in like he’d been eating Nigerian food his whole life. Second, and this one really got me, I accidentally put way too much pepper in some noodles I���d made for him before heading to work that Monday. I panicked the entire morning thinking I’d basically poisoned a white man. I didn���t know how to ask when I called to check on him, so I spent some time dancing around the question. When I finally asked if the noodles was too spicy, this man just said,  ���It was fine.��� I’d always told my siblings I could never marry a man who couldn’t handle pepper, so that moment stuck with me. 

Were either of you dating at the time?

Chris: I was single, doing a little casual dating, but nothing serious. I guess I was also looking, but I didn���t have a clear picture of what I was looking for. I remember going back to the US and briefly thinking about Dara. In my head, I thought, ���That girl was really nice. Now, I have to find someone like her in the U.S.��� I knew I didn���t want a long-distance relationship, so I wasn���t really seeing the vision with Dara at the time.

Dara: I was actually single too. I’d just stepped back from something that was starting to feel one-sided, so I was putting my energy into my travel goals instead. 

Got it. What happened after Chris returned to the US?

Chris: It���s actually so funny because we both have different memories of how things played out back then. In my head, we stayed in touch for just a bit and that was it. But years later, while filing visa paperwork, we actually went back through some of our old messages and realised we’d been talking a lot more than either of us remembered.

She���d mentioned taking a trip to Benin, Togo and Ghana and I thought that was really cool. Those were countries I also wanted to visit. So we kept in touch until the next time we planned another trip together. 

Oh. When was that? 

Chris: I came back in September, two months after the Lagos trip. This time around, we did a trip to Benin and Togo together and spent about a week together.

Dara: Before that trip, we actually had a very direct conversation about room arrangements, which isn’t always easy for women to bring up without it sounding like an accusation. Chris offered separate rooms if I wasn’t comfortable sharing, which put me at ease. 

That trip had its share of chaos, too. He got turned back at the Togo border, and we had to sort out special permits in Benin, so we spent a lot of time just waiting around and talking about our families, upbringing, everything. 

Chris: That trip is really where we moved from acquaintances to actual friends. We talked so openly that I remember thinking, ���This is someone I could see myself with,��� but I kept reminding myself that we couldn���t be a thing because of the distance.

Dara:  I remember this really funny moment during our taxi ride. His arm ended up around me, completely unplanned, and I could tell he was trying so hard not to invade my personal space. It felt like something straight out of a K-pop drama. 

When we got to the airport, the hug we shared felt a lot more different from the first time he visited. It felt warmer, like I already knew I’d miss him.

Awwwn 

Chris: After that visit, I think we agreed I���d come back in November for a friend’s wedding as her plus one. I remember asking her if I could come along because I���d heard so much about Nigerian weddings. It was also easier to plan the visits because I worked for an airline and there were daily flights to Lagos. So I could just jump on any flight at any time. Unfortunately, my mum passed away that October, so those plans fell apart.

That loss pulled me into my shell for a bit. I wasn���t really speaking to anyone. 

Dara: He told me about it almost immediately; I was one of the first people he told. We didn’t talk much for about a month while he grieved, though I checked on him weekly. There was a moment he broke down on a call, and I remember wishing so badly I could physically be there for him. That’s when I realised he wasn’t just a random friend to me anymore.

Was this when things picked up between you again?

Chris: In a way. By December, I���d stepped out of my grief a little more and we were talking more again. I mentioned wanting to see rural Nigeria, especially somewhere outside Lagos. Then Dara mentioned her grandmother’s village in Ekiti state.

Dara: I told my dad I had a foreign client I wanted to bring to the village, which wasn’t entirely a lie; it was just easier to frame it that way at first since I didn’t want to explain that I was hopping on a trip with a random white man. 

Anyway, we planned the trip and went to Ekiti in February 2022. We met my grandmother and step-grandfather, bought a live chicken at the market, and cooked over firewood outside, nothing fancy at all. He was enamoured by everything. These were things I considered pretty normal but they were new experiences for him, and he was just happy to witness it all. Chris still says that meal is still one of the best he’s had in Nigeria. Even though he also woke up in the middle of the night needing the bathroom because the food was so spicy for him.

Screaming. Was it still purely platonic at this point, though? 

Dara: To be honest, I’d already confided in my sister and aunt that I might be catching feelings, so I’d been planning to bring it up myself at some point. But Chris beat me to it on the second night of the Ekiti trip, and I was so relieved. I’d been overthinking every delayed reply to my messages, wondering if I was being too obvious or too into him.

Chris: I asked her what she thought about us. I didn’t go in expecting us to declare ourselves a couple right there, I just felt like we needed to actually acknowledge that something was there instead of pretending otherwise.

Dara: We agreed there was something between us, but decided to keep things as they were, given how much distance stood between us, and just see where it went without putting a label on it yet.

Oh

Chris: Well, we didn���t have to stall for too long because we became official by August. There were a few reasons for the gap. I had visa complications ahead of a planned May visit, had to renew my whole passport, and missed that trip entirely. 

Fortunately, Dara had a trip planned to Senegal with some of her clients,  so we agreed to meet there. I joined her in Senegal for my birthday in June, and it was just yet another time spent bonding and getting closer. We still hadn’t made anything official.

I came back to Nigeria in August and Nike invited me to a friend���s wedding party. The night before the wedding, I told her something along the lines of ���You know we should make this official and be a couple,��� and that was it. We became a couple.

Sweet. What were the early days of the relationship like?

Chris: It didn’t feel that different, since we’d already built so much emotional closeness over the previous year. We just kept doing what we’d been doing, travelling together whenever possible. One trip that stood out was Spain; it was her first time in Europe after a couple of visa denials and an appeal. We did Madrid, Mallorca, Barcelona, and she continued on to France and Portugal after I flew back to the US. 

Dara: Although communication was tricky sometimes in those early days. Our individual accents took some getting used to. He actually understands me better than his own family does, so he ends up constantly translating for them.

Chris: Something else that really shocked me was how she addresses elders. When Dara met my dad, I told her to just call him Brian, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. She kept saying Mr Brian, since calling an elder by their first name felt deeply disrespectful in the Nigerian culture. But those were pretty much what the early days together felt like. Lots of learning about each other, particularly about our different cultures. 

Got it. How did the relationship progress over time up to the point of marriage?

Chris: As I mentioned, we were really committed to knowing and understanding each other before committing to a life together. The idea of marriage itself  built gradually over a lot of conversations. What really convinced me about Dara was her ambition, her work ethic, her humble background, and how well we worked as a team. We’d also talked about whether she’d be open to relocating, and she was genuinely excited about the idea, given how much she already loved to travel. I also wanted her to meet my family if we were going to get married, so we started planning how we could make that happen.

Your family already met Chris during the Ekiti trip. What did they think of the relationship, Dara?

Dara: My dad was incredibly receptive; way more than I expected. The Ekiti trip really won him over. Chris had asked to visit my paternal grandfather’s grave in his hometown, even though we hadn’t planned to. I sent my dad a photo of us by the graveside, and that meant the world to him. I remember he was also worried about fixing the toilet and a couple of other things, but he didn���t even have to do that because Chris was fine with experiencing us just as we were. I think that from that moment on, he had such a positive impression of Chris. He knew he wasn���t just being polite for show. Every time he called, he asked about Chris. So when I finally told him about our relationship, he smiled. He didn���t have any reservations at all. As for my mum and siblings, they���re all open-minded and since Chris is a likeable person, he didn���t have to do too much to win them over.

Let���s talk about meeting Chris��� family. How did that go?

Chris: Since Dara couldn’t get a US visa in time, we arranged for her to meet my family in Mexico for Thanksgiving instead, about nine months before the wedding. She flew in from a Europe trip to meet us in Puerto Vallarta, which felt like the easiest way to get her close to what life in North America might look like without dealing with the visa issue directly.

Dara: I was so nervous, I hid behind him at the airport when I saw his family approaching. I was completely shy. Still, the meeting was nothing like what I’d built up in my head. Everyone was super warm and friendly, even though they didn���t really understand some of the things I was saying. We’ve since travelled together as a family multiple times.

Chris: After that, I wanted to meet her father too, even though we still weren’t fully decided on marriage at that point. We had to keep it low-key, almost secretive, because once her mother or aunties found out, the whole extended family would start planning a wedding immediately. We met quietly at a family friend’s house so it wouldn’t raise suspicion. I really liked meeting him as well. He was warm and receptive once I shared my intentions.

While this was going on, we also had to talk to an immigration lawyer to figure out our options. He told us it made more sense to marry sooner rather than have a long engagement, so we could start the spousal visa process early. 

That meant planning everything backwards, picking a date and telling our parents first, then figuring out the ring, the outfits, the food, all of it.

Right. When did you actually get married?

Chris: May 23rd and 24th, 2024. The first day was our traditional wedding at her family compound. The second day was a court wedding, done at the Airbnb where my family was staying, since officials can come to you for a fee instead of going to the courthouse.

What was that first year like, considering you still had to deal with the distance?

Chris: It was bizarre, honestly. We got married and then went right back to our separate countries, me in the US, her in Nigeria. It felt strange being legally married but not actually living together, seeing each other maybe once a month using flight benefits from my airline job.

Dara: I survived that first year by throwing myself into work. It was harder for him, since he had to fly back and forth constantly. At one point his work schedule nearly changed in a way that would have made visits almost impossible. We got through it by reminding ourselves that some long-distance couples go a full year without seeing each other, and we at least had monthly visits.

Chris: Not living together also meant there was little to nothing at all to fight about. So that had its little perks in a way. But I���ve been a lot more present in Nigeria in the past year, and we���ve been living together as a couple. That has taken some adjustment from both of us. 

What do you mean?

Chris: New kinds of friction showed up. Different habits around the bathroom, the kitchen, bedtimes, and what to eat. Small things that become bigger when you’re constantly around each other.

Dara: The deeper issue was how differently we handle conflict. I’m confrontational, I’ll tell you immediately if something bothers me, even if it’s small. He tends to avoid it in the moment, but then it builds up until he suddenly brings up a whole list of things that annoyed him weeks earlier, all at once. That usually felt unfair to me, since I couldn’t address issues I didn’t even know existed.

Chris: I think it’s partly how I was raised, and partly cultural, too. Nigerians can be loud and direct in the moment but quick to move past it afterwards, whereas I tend to hold things in and process quietly, sometimes for too long. We’ve been actively working on it. I’m trying to speak up sooner rather than let things pile up into one big confrontation later, and Dara has had to learn to hear feedback from me without feeling like she’s being ambushed all over again.

Earlier, you mentioned that you work well together as a team. How did that come about?

Chris: We started a tour company bringing international visitors to Nigeria. I handle the big picture planning, the itineraries, and the vision for each trip. Dara is much better with the logistics, the budgets, the day-to-day details I tend to struggle with.

Dara: Working together has actually strengthened us as a couple. We’ve learned how to divide responsibilities based on what each of us is naturally good at, rather than trying to do everything the same way.

Neat. What’s the best thing about being with each other?

Chris: I’ve learned an enormous amount about Nigeria and about Dara specifically, things that will stay valuable for the rest of our lives together, even if we end up somewhere else entirely one day. It’s made us better partners and hopefully better parents eventually. I love how well we complement each other in practically all areas of our lives. Where I’m weak, she’s strong, and vice versa.

Dara: Chris genuinely feels like finding a puzzle piece that fits completely. I have no doubt that Chris is who I’m meant to do life with.

I like that being with him has amplified my love for travel even more, and we’ve both grown so much individually since coming together. I’ve also had to confront some of my own conflict-related habits from my upbringing, and I’m actively working to unlearn what isn’t helpful.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your love life?

Dara: An 8. We’re friends first, which I think should be the foundation of any marriage, and we’re honestly inseparable at this point; we can barely handle short periods apart anymore. There’s still room to grow, but we’re getting there.

Chris: I’ll also say an 8. Nobody’s perfect, and because we work and live together constantly, we have to be intentional about keeping romance alive rather than letting everything become just about work. That’s the one area I think we can still be more deliberate about.

If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this油.

You could travel all over the world and see so many beautiful places, but there is nowhere quite like home. It is the place your heart constantly pulls you towards. When people who have long departed finally return, it is never about just unpacking a suitcase. It is about meeting the history you���ve only heard about, experiencing the customs you never got to practise, and reuniting with people who make you feel you truly belong.

For Seaman���s Schnapps, ensuring returning generations have a physical bridge to this heritage is a core mission. As the original number one prayer drink, the brand has long anchored the ceremonies that make a return home authentic. The classic 75cl bottle remains the definitive staple for elders conducting blessings and major rites, while the accessible 20cl (Omo Agba) size empowers younger people to embrace their culture in practical ways, on their own terms. 

This idea of helping sons and daughters reconnect with their roots sat at the heart of the recently concluded Itsekiri Homecoming in the Warri Kingdom. The week-long gathering brought Itsekiris from Nigeria and the diaspora back to their ancestral homeland alongside cultural leaders, professionals, and the wider community.

Seaman���s Schnapps and the Meaning of Home

The Itsekiri people share a rich history connected to the Warri Kingdom, with Ode-Itsekiri serving as its ancestral and spiritual heartland. The Olu of Warri remains at the centre of Itsekiri political, ceremonial, and spiritual life, with the monarchy tracing its history back over five centuries.

But knowing where your people come from is not the same as experiencing it. The Homecoming takes on a different meaning by giving visitors ways to encounter the kingdom beyond formal ceremonies. There were palace visits, cultural tours, traditional performances, a royal regatta, and opportunities to pay homage to the Olu, His Majesty, Og鱈ame Atuwatse III. Visitors also explored historic landmarks like the Ijala Royal Cemetery, where the Olus have been buried throughout the crown���s more than 500-year history, and planted trees to honour their lineage. 

For someone returning after years away, these experiences offer something a family history document cannot. You get to see the landscape, taste the food, and understand the customs in the places where they originated.

For Seaman���s Schnapps, these are spaces where heritage comes to life. The brand���s presence at Homecoming places it alongside the royal libations and celebrations that define the gathering. 

The 20cl: A Modern Bridge to Ancestral Roots

Culture thrives when the next generation actively participates in it and nurtures it. The Homecoming festival was created to reconnect Itsekiri professionals and their families worldwide with the Warri Kingdom, creating vital opportunities for youth education, community development, and cultural preservation.

For an Itsekiri child growing up outside the kingdom, returning to Warri turns an abstract concept like ���where my family is from��� into a tangible place, language, and community.

This dynamic of rediscovery is exactly what the Seaman���s Schnapps 20cl speaks to. Younger Nigerians are moving beyond watching elders perform traditional rites and finding new ways to actively participate in the traditions they inherited. Where the 75cl bottle serves the deep, solemn prayers of the traditional chiefs, the 20cl allows the returning youth to celebrate their identity, share moments with peers, and integrate ancient pride into a modern lifestyle. 

The Itsekiri Homecoming proved that reconnecting with home is also about looking forward. Through business networking, development conversations, and environmental initiatives, returning youth demonstrated that honouring tradition includes building the community’s future.

While commemorating with His Majesty the Olu of Warri, Nnenna Uche Onyenacho, Senior Brand Manager, noted, ���As a forward-thinking brand, Seaman’s is leading the drive of connecting Africans back to their roots. We are saying to Africans, come back to your roots. Come and identify with who you are and what you are, and continue to celebrate your culture and heritage.��� 

Marketing Manager at Nigeria Distilleries Limited, Mr. Gbemileke Lawal, added, ���This is where our values align with the people���s heartbeat. Seaman���s Schnapps remains committed to celebrating Nigeria���s rich traditions while standing as a symbol of authenticity, respect and unity.���

For Seaman���s Schnapps, supporting the Itsekiri Homecoming is about more than showing up for a festival. It is about fostering spaces where people can rediscover their roots, giving the next generation the agency to define what being Itsekiri means to them and deciding how they carry that connection forward.

Sometimes, finding your place in a culture does not require looking further. From the elders offering traditional prayers with the 75cl bottle, to the youth toasting their homecoming with the 20cl, true connection simply requires returning to your roots. 

Tomiwa*, 32, has been married for two years and has always maintained friendships outside his marriage. When some of his university friends planned a weekend getaway to Ibadan, his wife hinted that she wanted to come along. Tomiwa decided against it, and now she thinks he cares more about his friends than he does about including her in his life.油

At the end of this story, you���ll get to answer one question: Did he fuck up or not?

This is Tomiwa���s dilemma, as told to Adeyinka.

My wife and I have mutual friends, but we also have separate friendship circles from university. I���ve kept in touch with most of my friends from school, both men and women. Most of them know my wife, and some have met her several times, but they aren���t really her friends. I don���t see that as a problem because I like to keep our friend groups separate.

When my university friends started planning a weekend getaway to Ibadan, I was excited. It had been a while since I had spent proper time with some of them, and I knew it would be one of those trips where we could relax, drink, talk about old times and generally be ourselves. I never considered it a couples��� trip, so I assumed I would go alone.

A few days before we left, my wife started saying she would be lonely while I was away. She said she didn���t have anything planned and kept asking what everyone was doing in Ibadan. She never directly asked to come, but I knew what she was getting at.

I still didn���t want her to come, and I had three reasons. The first was that I wouldn���t be as free around my friends if she came. I���d spend the whole trip checking whether she was enjoying herself, whether she felt left out and whether I was spending enough time with her. I wanted a weekend where I could relax with people who knew me from university.

The second reason was that she wasn���t friends with these people. I like that we have mutual friends, but I also think it���s healthy for us to have separate friendships. I don���t want every friend I have to automatically become my wife’s friend just because we got married.

The last reason sounds worse, but it was part of my thinking. My wife complains a lot. If something annoys her, she usually says so, and I could already imagine her having an issue with something on the trip. Maybe it would be the accommodation, the food, someone���s behaviour, or even how we spent our time. I didn���t want to spend a weekend managing that when I was supposed to be relaxing.

So I didn���t invite her.

I went to Ibadan for two days, and I had a great time. We caught up, drank, ate and talked about university memories. There were things my wife would have enjoyed, but there were also plenty of inside jokes and stories that only made sense because we had all been there together years ago.

I posted a lot from the trip on my Instagram story, and she watched it all. I wasn���t trying to hide where I was or what I was doing. We spoke on both days, but not for long because I was usually with everyone else. She didn���t complain about that while I was away.

When I got home, though, her mood changed. She became quiet and distant, and whenever I asked what was wrong, she would say nothing was wrong. After a while, she started making comments about how I had clearly enjoyed myself without her.

One evening, she said, ���At least you had your friends.���

I asked what she meant, and she told me she felt like I had deliberately excluded her. She said she didn���t understand why I was comfortable travelling with people who were important to me, but didn���t think she should be there.

I explained that it wasn���t because I was ashamed of her or because I didn���t want my friends to meet her. Most of them already knew her. I simply wanted to spend time with my friends without having to think about whether my wife was enjoying herself.

But she said that was exactly the problem. According to her, I had already decided that she would spoil the trip before she even had the opportunity to come. She also said that if these people mattered enough for me to travel to another city with them, she didn���t understand why I was so resistant to letting her get to know them better.

That made me think about whether I had handled things badly. I still don���t think every trip has to include your spouse. If my wife wants to spend a weekend with friends I don���t know well, I wouldn���t automatically expect an invitation. I also don���t think marriage should mean losing the friendships you had before it.

But I can see why she felt hurt. She was clearly hinting that she wanted to come, and instead of having an honest conversation with her, I decided for both of us that she shouldn���t come. Maybe I should have told her directly that I wanted this particular weekend to be with my university friends and allowed her to tell me how she felt about it.

She���s still moody about the trip, and I don���t know if she���s genuinely upset about being left out or if there���s something else. 

I don���t regret enjoying the weekend with my friends, but I do wonder whether I could have done so without making my wife feel unwelcome in an important part of my life.

Did Tomiwa F-ck or not? Take the poll .

油*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

Just as superheroes are synonymous with American pop culture, the orisa are the legendary figures of the Yoruba world. And one of the most iconic among them is Sango. Ask any young Nigerian who grew up in a typical Yoruba home, and they���ll likely have stories passed down from their mothers and grandmothers about the deity known for thunder, lightning, and his signature red garments. They might even argue they know what the real Sango looks like, thanks to Nollywood���s many adaptations. 

But Sango���s legacy isn���t just a childhood memory or a movie trope; it is a living, breathing tradition. Keeping that heritage alive requires spaces where it can be actively practised, witnessed, and renewed. For Seaman���s Schnapps, this generational handover is evident in the way its bottles have become part of Nigerian celebrations. The 75cl bottle has traditionally been associated with elders, prayers, blessings, and major ceremonies, while the 20cl (Omo Agba) offers younger Nigerians a format that fits the way they interact with and evolve these traditions today.

By actively participating in these celebrations, Seaman���s Schnapps serves as a physical bridge between generations, ensuring that the sacred practices of the elders are safely and visibly passed to the youth.

A ten-day homecoming

For an orisa so deeply woven into Yoruba folklore, it makes sense that there���s a festival dedicated to celebrating his legacy. Every August, the ancient Koso Temple and the streets and corners of Oyo fill with people who have found their way home.

For ten days, the city hosts a teeming crowd of devotees, traditional leaders, and people from all walks of life. The Sango Festival commemorates Tella-Oko, the third Alaafin of the Oyo Empire, widely believed to be the earthly incarnation of the mythical Sango. Devotees honour this legacy by donning bright red outfits, sharing roasted new yams and palm oil, and gathering for high-energy rites, chanting, storytelling, and drumming.

At the center of these high-energy rites sits the iconic Seaman���s Schnapps bottle. In the hands of traditional leaders and elders, it is the definitive vessel used to offer deep blessings, pour royal libations, and anchor the prayers that help keep the people and practices of Nigerian heritage alive. 

The 20cl: Passing down the magic to a new generation

This is where Seaman���s Schnapps��� 20cl drink comes in. While the 75cl bottle has traditionally been part of the grand ceremonies and rituals led by elders, the 20cl size speaks to a younger generation engaging with these traditions in ways that feel more natural to them. It reflects the reality that younger people don���t always inherit traditions exactly as they found them. They adapt them, give them new meaning, and find ways to make them part of their own lives.

The Sango Festival captures this process. Children learn by watching elders during worship at the Sango Temples, while deeper elements of the culture, including Sango���s magical crafts and sacred performances, are preserved through dedicated apprenticeships. The knowledge moves from one generation to the next, but it doesn���t have to look exactly the same each time.

Seaman���s Schnapps has continued to support spaces like the Sango Festival because they give these traditions room to remain visible and relevant. Its 20cl drink fits into that same conversation. It’s an easier, more affordable way for younger drinkers to not just follow tradition, but help shape it going forward. 

As Nnenna Uche Onyenacho, the company’s Senior Brand Manager, puts it, ���The brand remains committed to platforms that promote cultural continuity through modern creative expression.���

Marketing Manager at Nigeria Distilleries Limited, Mr. Gbemileke Lawal, echoed that  ���This is where our values align with the people���s heartbeat. Seaman���s Schnapps remains committed to celebrating Nigeria���s rich traditions while standing as a symbol of authenticity, respect and unity.���

That commitment is particularly significant at a festival built around a tradition that has lasted for centuries. 

Ultimately, culture survives only when people continue to practice it, share it, and find new reasons to embrace it. For the Sango Festival, whether it is a solemn prayer poured by an elder from a 75cl bottle or a vibrant celebration fueled by a youth with a 20cl bottle, every libation poured becomes another vital link in a tradition built to endure for centuries. 

In this week���s Marriage Diaries, she shares how the reality of marriage hit her only months after the wedding, how having children affected her mental health and exposed cracks in her relationship, and why she chose to stay after experiencing physical violence and infidelity.

Got a marriage story to share? Please油油and we���ll reach out.

My parents made marriage look easy

I always imagined marriage would be like a fairytale; eating together, laughing, having long conversations, raising children and just being in love. I knew there would be disagreements, but I never imagined they could reach the magnitude they did. My husband and I are both calm people, so I didn���t expect big arguments.

A lot of that expectation came from my parents. Growing up, I knew they were in love. They were always talking, laughing, eating together and going out. They even dressed alike. My dad would buy ���His and Hers��� watches or sunglasses for them, and if he wore a yellow shirt, my mum would wear a yellow blouse or a complementary colour.

He was also fiercely protective of her. He made sure nobody disrespected my mum, including elders in our family. Our home was warm and filled with laughter and love.

As I grew older, romantic movies reinforced that picture. So naturally, I thought marriage was meant to be like that.

A few months after our wedding, my husband and I had a disagreement that I hadn���t anticipated. My first instinct was to leave and go home. When he involved our mothers, I felt blamed instead of heard, and I started questioning whether I was ready for marriage.

I took a few days to cool off and reflect instead of reacting from anger. Eventually, we talked, and I chose to forgive and move forward. It taught me to pause before making major decisions.

I just didn���t know that was only the beginning of what marriage would teach me.

Having children changed everything

Nobody warned me how much having children could change a marriage. It affected my health, our finances, intimacy, communication and careers.

I had watched my aunties have children and continue working, so I didn���t understand how complicated it could become. Pregnancy caused me amnesia. I lost a huge chunk of my memory, which I���m only just beginning to regain, 10 years later, in bits and pieces.

I had my children via CS and suffered postpartum depression. Sometimes, I lost the zeal to live. It was a rollercoaster trying to be there for my children while also trying to stay sane myself, amid the fear of being stigmatised.

Eventually, I resigned from my job because of the mental pressure, which left me financially vulnerable for a while. My marriage struggled during that period and exposed a lot of cracks.

A few months after we had our second baby, we had an argument about baby food. My husband had gone out and forgotten to buy it. I was at home with a crying baby. After breastfeeding for hours, the baby eventually slept, but I was exhausted and highly irritable.

My husband returned late, and it was clear he had spent the evening drinking with friends at an event. I let my anger get the better of me, and it led to a brawl.

I received the beating of my life, after which he ran away from home. By morning, our compound was filled with immediate family members and church leaders who had come to beg me at his behest. But I was the one with the swollen face and black eyes.

I was taken to the hospital and treated. After that, I made a solemn promise to myself that it would never happen again.

We had to learn how to disagree

That experience changed how I handle disagreements now. When I���m upset, I either send my husband a message or wait until my initial anger has passed before talking to him. We���ve been married for a long time now and have fewer disagreements. When we have reservations, we state them clearly, stick to the issue and avoid inciting remarks or attacking each other.

We are not enemies. It���s okay not to be in total agreement, and we allow each other the freedom to make our own decisions. Although my husband promised never to repeat what happened, the trauma still lives rent-free in my head.

I���ve also had to understand that his calmness doesn���t necessarily mean he handles things the way I do. When we met, I found his quiet nature attractive. But I didn���t realise that he isn���t a strong communicator or as expressive or protective as I expected.

Verbal conversations can feel one-sided, and when there���s an issue, he can withdraw for days. Sometimes, it feels like emotional abandonment. I���ve had to learn to give him space while also asking for what I want.

I���ve also had to learn to stand up for myself with family members because of his tendency to ignore pressing matters or disrespectful remarks.

Marriage changed me too

For all the ways marriage changed my expectations, it also changed me.

I lost most of my childish innocence, but I gained so much more. I found my voice and learnt self-authorship. I got my career back on track, gained independence and developed more clarity about what I want. I also gained experiences that I now use to mentor young women and couples.

One of the biggest things I���ve learnt is that love alone isn���t enough. Our different backgrounds and personalities clash, and sometimes hurt can overshadow love. Marriage requires more than feelings. That became even clearer when I had to decide what to do after discovering infidelity.

Staying didn���t mean losing myself

Choosing to stay in my marriage after finding out about infidelity was one of the most difficult compromises I���ve made.

In the beginning, it didn���t feel worth it. But over the years, we���ve set clear boundaries and terms for our marriage. I���m fiercely protective of myself, and I don���t live in ignorance.

We restructured how we handle finances and respect. Most importantly, I get to live on my terms. Staying hasn���t meant pretending everything is fine or abandoning myself. I���ve learnt that I can choose to remain in my marriage while still having boundaries and making decisions for myself.

I wish I had taken more time to know myself

If I could go back, I���d tell my unmarried self to take her time getting to know herself. Marriage will introduce you to parts of yourself you didn���t know existed. You may think you know how you���ll react to something until you���re actually in that situation.

I���d also advise people to get a wedding sponsor or mentor who can offer unbiased guidance. Your parents��� model won���t always work for you, and their advice can be emotionally influenced.

My parents gave me a beautiful picture of marriage, but I eventually learnt that their marriage could only be a reference point, not a blueprint for mine. And I think that���s why I no longer believe love is enough to sustain a marriage. Love is an emotion, and it fluctuates. Marriage needs intention, finances, intimacy, communication and respect. Without those things, the embers of love eventually go out.

*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

Got a marriage story to share? Please油油and we���ll reach out.

Joe* (31) and Matilda* (28) met during Joe’s NYSC placement in 2019. 

On this week’s Love Life, they talk about reconnecting two years later, the night Joe collapsed in Matilda’s bathroom, and she had to call his mother at midnight, and why Matilda still hasn’t felt fully at home with that same mother since. 

If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this油.

What���s your earliest memory of each other?

Joe: October 2019. Matilda was recruited at the tail end of my NYSC posting at a financial services company. I was the only corper there for a while, and the youngest person in the office, too. Two months earlier, I���d heard another corper was joining. I remember the HR person used to tease me, saying I���d soon have a fellow corper to keep me company. But weeks went by and I didn���t see anyone, so I assumed it wasn���t happening.

Then, I took a one-week break from work to sort out some NYSC clearance issues. I came back the following Monday and saw this cute lady sitting at the reception. I immediately knew she was the new corper and introduced myself.

Matilda: I remember thinking, ���What���s wrong with this one?��� when he stretched his hands out. It was cute and funny at the same time. But that was also my first memory of Joe. I���d actually wanted to work at a fashion brand, but every attempt to land a role at the big fashion houses fell through. Then my mum suggested doing something in the financial sector, since it was more relevant to my course of study anyway. I had real reservations, especially after hearing during the interview that I���d be the only corper there. But the salary was also convincing, so in the end, I took the job when the offer came in.

Even though I���d initially thought Joe was too forward, having him around made that first day less overwhelming. However, I���d also heard he was leaving soon, so I didn���t want to get too attached since he wouldn���t be around anyway.  But he was just really persistent, almost like a baby in a candy shop. 

Joe: Fear women. I was just trying to make her feel welcome. I didn���t get that when I joined. The corper before me was one stuck-up babe who never smiled.

Screaming. So I���m guessing you guys developed an office friendship?

Joe: We did. From that first week, we started sitting together, buying lunch together, waiting for each other after work and occasionally sharing rides on our way home. Some people in the office actually asked if we’d known each other before. I think, for me, it came from being starved of having someone my age around at work for so long.

Matilda: And it happened naturally, too. After that first day of initial gra-gra, I actually noticed Joe was a cool guy. I mean, he���s good-looking, dresses really nicely, and those are two things I look for in a guy. But as said, we fell into a rhythm of always being around each other during and after work hours. 

Sounds sweet. And what happened when Joe���s service year ended?

Matilda: Proper tears o. He left toward the end of November, and I was genuinely heartbroken. In the few weeks we spent together, I realised why he was so excited to have me around. People at that office were mostly older guys who held traditional views and just wanted to boss you around. They���d also make annoying remarks like ���You���re still young now. You don���t have any serious responsibilities.��� And the women were just really judgmental. I couldn���t imagine having to be alone with people like that. I remember crying at his send-off, and people in our department were surprised at how hard I took it. But I can be quite emotional like that.

Joe: I���d actually hoped they would retain me. I did a little lobbying, but that didn���t help in the end. I wasn���t dating anyone at the time. I had a couple of girls I was messing with, but seeing Matilda emotional at my send-off did something to me. I didn���t fully understand what it was yet. But I was genuinely touched.

Curious, Matilda. Were you dating at the time?

Matilda: I was in a long-distance relationship then, and I really loved my boyfriend. I genuinely wasn���t seeing Joe in that light at all; he was just a work colleague turned friend whom I���d grown fond of. 

Got it. Did you two stay in touch after he left?

Joe: We did, mostly calls and texts. But as the months went by, the frequency naturally reduced.

Matilda: Around that same period, my boyfriend started complaining that I seemed distracted, though it wasn���t specifically because of Joe. Our relationship was just going through its own strain. 

Joe: I think it was also just because we were experiencing different realities. I didn���t get a job as quickly as I thought. I was trying to start a little clothing business, it was just so many things going on. She���d cross my mind sometimes, but I didn���t reach out all the time. Besides, I knew she was dating and I wanted to respect her boundaries.

So how did you guys end up reconnecting?

Joe: We ran into each other at an event in late 2021. I spotted her first across the room and walked up to her. We hugged and screamed so much that we drew attention. We ended up spending the rest of the party together. We had so many things to catch up on since the last time we���d seen each other.

Matilda: I remember some of my friends who were also at the party kept asking me about him afterwards. They wanted to know why we seemed so close and why I seemed so comfortable around him. I told them he was just a friend, nothing more, but for some reason, they thought I was lying.

Joe: After the party, I could stop thinking about Matilda. She���d changed a lot and looked even better than the last time I���d seen her. However, I didn���t know how to ask if she was still in a relationship, so I started checking her Instagram and Twitter for clues instead of asking outright. Instagram didn���t say much; she only had about two old pictures there. But on Twitter, I found a few tweets and that made me conclude she wasn���t dating, and if she was, it probably wasn���t something serious.

But did you eventually ask her directly to be sure?

Joe: I did, just to confirm what I���d already suspected from some of her posts.

Matilda: I actually found it funny when he asked. I told him straight up that I was single. I was talking to a few people, obviously, but it wasn���t anything concrete. My instincts had always told me Joe liked me, even back when we were coworkers at the NYSC posting. But I used to brush it off because he���d never been direct and I didn���t want to misinterpret our friendship.

Joe: Then, not long after, I sent her a message on WhatsApp telling her I���d like us to be in a relationship.

Matilda: The exact words were ���I���d like you to be mine.��� I laughed so hard when I got the message and even sent laughing emojis. The line felt like something straight out of a movie script. For some reason, I just thought he was joking, and then he said he wasn���t. I think we had a two- to three-hour call after that message, and I realised he was actually serious. But I told him he had to say everything to me in person, not on the phone.

We went on a couple of dates, kept talking regularly and eventually became official in March 2022.

Awwn. What were the early days of the relationship like?

Joe: They were sweet. We were doing all the relationship regulars. Movie dates, long hours spent on calls, visiting each other and it just felt like we were living a version of our NYSC days, only this time, as lovers. I think what really made it feel so easy was that we genuinely liked each other as friends long before feelings got in the picture. So we didn���t have to navigate any early days of awkwardness.

Matilda: I agree. That foundation made a difference for us. We could easily agree to disagree; nothing felt too serious that we couldn���t solve after a deep, honest conversation. Dating just felt like adding an extra layer to our friendship rather than starting from scratch.

Joe: I also found out Matilda was a lot more emotional than I���d clocked during NYSC days. She wears her feelings quite openly and cries easily. It was hard to navigate at first because I process things a lot differently. I get emotional, too, but not to the point of tears. The thing with Matilda is, she could be crying, and you���d think something bad had happened only to hear ���I passed my course. My friend just got engaged.��� Everything makes this woman cry.

Matilda: I can���t help it. I���m actually bothered that I���ve never seen Joe cry. He processes his emotions differently. He���d just have this stoic, unfeeling look on his face and you wouldn���t be able to tell if he���s angry or sad. I think the most emotional moment I saw him was when he fell sick.

Oh. Tell me more about that.

Matilda: That weekend, I���d asked Joe to come to my place. At the time, I was staying in a shared flat with two friends, and they both travelled to Ibadan and I didn���t want to be alone. I���d always been the one going to his place, so for once, I asked him to come over. This naughty boy did anyway, even though he wasn���t feeling too well.

Joe: It wasn���t anything serious, to be honest. I went to work that Friday and continued with my normal activities. When she asked, it also felt like a good opportunity to relax with my babe. Plus, I was a bit worried about her being in the flat alone for two nights. So I packed a bag and went over, thinking whatever I was feeling would pass.

When I got there, everything felt fine at first. We hung out as we���d usually do, and she even made me this healthy salad that was supposed to help me find my appetite. Then, around bedtime, I started feeling lightheaded. She told me to go take a warm shower and I figured that would help. But that���s probably the last thing I remember.

Matilda: While he was in the bathroom, I heard a loud thud that startled me. I ran and found him unconscious on the floor. I completely panicked and didn���t know what to do at first, so I just started pouring water on his head, hoping it would wake him up. He eventually opened his eyes and started mumbling something, but it was inaudible. Then, when I tried to lift him, he couldn���t move at all. 

Did you try to get help?

Matilda: I actually wanted to call my own parents first, but they lived far away, and honestly, I dreaded the thought of them finding out I had a man in my apartment. By the time Joe regained full consciousness, he still couldn���t stand. Whenever he tried, he felt this sharp, excruciating pain in his waist. That was when I went into full panic mode. I thought something had happened to his spinal cord. Then he said we should call his mum, since their house wasn���t too far off. 

The call was incredibly awkward. I actually wanted Joe to speak with his mum and tell her what happened, but his words didn���t quite make sense. It felt like he was going in and out of consciousness. Eventually, I did most of the talking. By 1:30 a.m., his mum arrived with her driver and one other man. Then we rushed to the hospital.

Joe: I was barely conscious through most of it, so I only found out the full details of what happened afterwards. 

Matilda: I don���t think I���ve ever needed him to be his normal self more than that day. The hospital was especially awkward with his mum.

What do you mean?

Matilda: She started asking me lots of questions. What I���d given him to eat or drink, what exactly had happened before he collapsed. It felt like an unending interrogation. The whole time, I kept running different scenarios through my head, genuinely wondering what I���d gotten myself into. At that point, I���d also informed my siblings, although I told them not to tell our parents yet. Because with the way Joe���s mum was going, it felt like she was going to involve the police or something. 

But did she ask how you knew each other in the first place, or how he ended up in your house?

Joe: Throughout that entire hospital stay, my mum never actually asked about my relationship with Matilda. She probably just assumed she was a friend helping out. It wasn���t until the day I was being discharged, when Matilda came to see me off, that I properly introduced her. It felt weird considering everything that had happened.

Matilda: His mum wasn���t harsh toward me at any point, even though the questioning felt a bit too much. But she wasn���t particularly warm either. And that left me feeling really uncomfortable. 

Joe: My mum can actually be that way. She���s not the friendliest person, even if she doesn���t mean any ill will by it. She just enjoys her own company and has always been that way, even with people she���s known for years. 

Through it all, I���m just thankful for Matilda. Things could have gone a lot worse if her fear had taken over. It���s one of those experiences neither of us will ever forget. Plus, that was how my mum found out about our relationship.

Right. And how���s the relationship between the two of them now?

Joe: It’s just there, really. I do wish it could be better. I don���t want to end up in a situation years down the line where my mum and my wife don���t see eye to eye. So I really hope things change with time, because I know, deep down, my mum doesn���t mean any harm; she���s just reserved by nature and has always been that way. 

Matilda: She actually calls to check on me sometimes, so I know there���s no ill intent. It���s just hard for me to fully shake the memory of how she reacted that first day we met. I understand it was nothing personal, but still���

Despite everything, what’s the best thing about being with each other?

Matilda: The friendship. We were genuinely close as people before we were ever a couple, and that’s carried us through the relationship. Sometimes, I think of Joe as my best friend first, before I even remember that ���oh wait, I also get to call him my lover.��� He���s kind, caring and really selfless. The way Joe makes my problem his own and prioritises me is really something. 

Joe: I feel the same way about the friendship part. We genuinely like each other as people, not just as partners in a relationship. Matilda talks about selflessness, but I think I also learned from her. She doesn���t joke with my matter and I know she���ll always have my back. Plus, have you seen my baby? She���s your spec���s spec.

I hear you. How would you rate your love life on a scale of 1-10?

Matilda: I���d say 8.5. We’re both glad to have each other, and honestly, we can’t wait for this to move toward marriage. We both know it’s coming soon, and I can���t wait to call him husband.

Joe: I���d give us a 9. Outside of the challenges with my mum, everything else about us feels solid, and I only see that getting stronger from here as we keep building together.

*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this油.

In modern dating, this is called zombie-ing. And these Nigerians share what it feels like to be on the receiving end of such unhinged ghosting.

Tunde*, 25

I planned a booty call with a girl I���d been flirting with. She actually started the flirting, and I got into it. She���d occasionally ask me to buy her lunch and stuff, and I���d do it. One day, we finally planned to meet. I made all the plans and paid for a hotel. On the day, she completely ghosted me. She ignored my calls and messages, so I took my L. Almost eight months later, she reacted to my DM saying, ���You just forgot me.��� I almost cursed her out. I���d even forgotten I still had her number. I blocked her and kept moving.

Charles*, 33

I met this babe on Tinder and we connected well. She invited me over, but she looked nothing like her pictures. She was much shorter and had an almost bleached complexion. I didn���t want the visit to be a waste, so I got down anyway, but deep down, I knew I���d ghost her afterwards. Funny enough, she ended up ghosting me. I couldn���t believe it. I even sexted her and sent some photos once, and she still aired me. Four or five months later, she sent a text asking me to come over. No apology, nothing. She acted like my previous messages didn���t exist. I finally got my chance to air her.

Hadiza*, 29

I met this cool Chinese guy at a tech conference in Lagos. He was super helpful and even offered me a ride home. After that, we started talking and getting to know each other. I was already imagining myself dating a Chinese guy and having cute babies. After about two months of texting, we agreed to meet again. On the day, he acted fine but kept saying he was on his way. I waited for almost two hours before he finally texted that he couldn���t make it. Three weeks later, he asked me out of the blue what I was doing that weekend. He didn���t even try to acknowledge what happened the last time or try to make it up to me. Yet, I stupidly responded to his message almost immediately. He cancelled again the day before.

Jomi*, 27

I had casual sex with a guy who���d been eyeing me. It was mutual because I also liked him. But he switched up almost immediately. He didn���t even respond to my ���Have you gotten home?��� message that day. I wanted to text him and pour out my mind, but I didn���t want to give him the satisfaction. The sex happened around March. Then, in November, this guy, whom I���d blocked on WhatsApp, reacted to my Instastory and simply said, ���Link up?��� I ignored his ass. Doing casual sex doesn���t mean you can ghost someone and then show up whenever you���re hungry for some again.

Dunni*, 33

I���ve had this stupid guy randomly show up and ghost for years. We met when I was in university and were supposed to date, but he wasn���t consistent, so I left him. Since then, he���d randomly reappear and try to continue our toasting conversation like he hadn���t disappeared for years. There was a time I didn���t hear from him for almost three years. Then he randomly sent me ���Hey baby girl��� on X. He showed up again some months ago, and I told him I was married. His response was, ���So you couldn���t wait for me?��� I had to send him a strong warning not to text me again. Very rubbish person.

Deji*, 24

I met this cute babe at a rave last year, and we vibed so well. I collected her number, but after her first response, she stopped replying. I���d see her photos and videos and comment on them, but she never responded. Some months ago, I attended group therapy in Ibadan, and guess who showed up? This babe tried to act like she hadn���t ghosted me for more than a year. I just said a casual hi and kept it moving. She didn���t even apologise or acknowledge what happened. I actually wanted to give her a piece of my mind, but I didn���t. I just let it go.

Denzel*, 29

I once dated a babe who didn���t break up with me. She simply ghosted. She stopped responding everywhere, and three months later, I found out from her cousin that she���d relocated. I asked for her number, but her cousin was reluctant because she���d asked him not to give it to me. He eventually did, but she still didn���t respond. It messed me up because I had so many unanswered questions, and I genuinely loved her. It took time, but I moved on. She came home for Detty December in 2024 and asked if I wanted to link up. I did, but I was in Abuja. I didn���t respond.

*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.