91心頭利嫋 arrives at a local market where foodstuffs are rumoured to be cheaper. In a corner, a commotion ensues between two traders: Pepper and Cucumber. Customers leave Pepper���s stall for Cucumber���s as the shouting match grows louder. Bystanders watch, with no one attempting to quell the fracas. Out of concern, 91心頭利嫋 approaches the scene.

91心頭利嫋: Please, take it easy. What���s the problem?

Pepper: Who is this one? What���s your business?

91心頭利嫋: My name is Zik���

Pepper: Abeg, getat. You no go face wetin you come market for?

91心頭利嫋: Ah, sorry. I thought…

Pepper: You thought what? Please, leave this place and mind your business.

(91心頭利嫋 turns away, muttering ���Na me fuck up��� under their breath.)

Cucumber: Hey! Ziko! Abi what did you call your name?

(91心頭利嫋 turns back.)

91心頭利嫋: It���s 91心頭利嫋.

Cucumber: Sha come. What do you want?

(91心頭利嫋 approaches Cucumber���s stall.)

91心頭利嫋: I want pepper. I heard it���s cheaper in this market.

(Cucumber shoots 91心頭利嫋 a criminally offensive bombastic side eye before speaking.)

Cucumber: Had it been I know you, I for give you a dirty slap.

91心頭利嫋: Ah. What did I do?

Cucumber: So you think you���re better than all these people in front of my stall? Ehn?

91心頭利嫋: No now.

Cucumber: What is no? Oya, go to Pepper now. Let���s see how you���ll use ten pieces of tomato and rodo to make one pot of soup.

91心頭利嫋: But I���m confused. It���s pepper I want and you���re selling cucumbers.

(Cucumber turns away, attending to other customers like 91心頭利嫋 isn���t there.)

Random customer 1: Boda 91心頭利嫋, people are now using cucumber to supplement pepper. That���s why we���re here. It���s cheaper.

Cucumber (cutting in): For now o. For now.

Random customer 1 (continues): …and it tastes just as good.

91心頭利嫋: So you mean I can use cucumber to make soup?

Random customer 1: Haven���t you been seeing the Instagram chef videos on social media?

Cucumber: Help me ask him o.

91心頭利嫋: I thought cucumber was just for garnishing food and making healthy smoothies?

Random customer 2: I even heard some ladies use it in za other room.

(Cucumber leaps into the air, screaming.)

Cucumber: Tufiakwa! Evil people. They���ve come again to spoil the good things happening in my life with rumours and ���them say, them say���. Oya, you!

(Cucumber points at random customer 2.)

Cucumber: Vamooze from my sight. Vamooze if you don���t want me to comot your teeth just now.

91心頭利嫋: Please, calm down.

Cucumber: People like that want to ridicule and reduce me to an object of pleasure. They make people ashamed of associating with me in public.

91心頭利嫋: So sorry about that.

Cucumber: Abeg, keep your sorry. You���re not blame-free. 

91心頭利嫋: Me? How? What did I do?

Cucumber: Reducing me to something used for culinary aesthetics and discarded after?

91心頭利嫋: But, isn���t it a good thing to help people stay healthy?

Cucumber: It���s good, but boring. The world doesn���t want boring. Nobody remembers you if you���re boring. It���s like a snake leaving no prints on a mountain. I want to be remembered for being the life of the party; the one people want every day. The one people can���t do without. Not the one treated as an afterthought.

91心頭利嫋: I see. So, you���re getting that now?

Cucumber: Oh yes. I���ve been given a second chance, which is long due, and I plan to ride this wave for a long time.

91心頭利嫋: But are you not getting ahead of yourself here? People still need pepper, even with you as a supplement.

Cucumber: Oh please. That one? Didn���t you see the display earlier on? He who the gods want to destroy, they first run mad.

91心頭利嫋: I���m not sure I get your drift.

Cucumber: Pepper has had it coming for a while. Going into scarcity on a whim and leaving people to spend 100x the amount. The other day, I heard jollof made an off-white outing. Imagine jollof and off-white in the same sentence? Jollof that used to be red with hotness. God, abeg.

Now that people know there���s more to people like us, Pepper is getting jealous. E never see anything.

91心頭利嫋: Sounds like a war is brewing.

(Cucumber���s phone rings.)

Cucumber: Hello? Have you set up the meeting date? We need to sustain the momentum now that the world still has our attention. If Gbigbe refuses to join the coalition, we���ll go to Gigun. If Gigun refuses, we���ll find a way still.

(Cucumber hangs up.)

91心頭利嫋: Who was that?

Cucumber: You mentioned something about a war.

91心頭利嫋: Yes, I did.

Cucumber: That was Carrot. We���re close to signing a deal with Atagbigbe and Atagigun.

91心頭利嫋: Pepper���s relati���

Cucumber (cutting in): Tah! Relatives for where? People only remember them when Pepper chooses to go MIA. They���re seeking an escape and stand to benefit more from this deal.

91心頭利嫋: I see. So the enemy of your enemy is your friend?

Cucumber: Precisely. If Rodo, Tomato, Tatashe and Shombo want to move like the world belongs to them, we���ll teach them a lesson.

91心頭利嫋: I heard you say your price is cheap just for now. That means you want to move like pepper too?

Cucumber: Before? You think I came to this world to count ceilings? I won���t deny that I envy what Pepper has. I want that for myself.

91心頭利嫋: But the people have turned to you because you aim to ease their suffering and offer a cheaper alternative.

Cucumber: For more than a month now, I���ve kept my prices between ���200-500. But from next month? You���ll see the real me.

91心頭利嫋: So this is how you want to use your second chan���

Cucumber (cutting in): Is that the time? Come and be going, please. I have an appointment with a Fitfam juice company.

91心頭利嫋: But I thought you���

Cucumber: You thought what? That I���ll put all my eggs in one basket? Leemao.

Read this next: Tomato Is Expensive Again, but These Simple Hacks Will Help

Doughnut ��� or the milky variation of it ��� has gained popularity with Nigerians over the past few weeks. However, it seems not every type of fame is welcomed.

Thanks to Doughnut���s busy schedule, this interview is happening weeks after they actually reached out to 91心頭利嫋.

91心頭利嫋: It���s nice to finally have you here.

Doughnut: I wish I could say the same.

91心頭利嫋: Why not?

Doughnut: Can���t you see the way I���m looking? Don���t I look sick and manhandled to you?

91心頭利嫋: I thought that was the look you were going for. 

Doughnut: I���ll let that slide because I need your help, and I don���t have much time before I resume my hard labour. 

91心頭利嫋: Who���s subjecting you to hard labour?

Doughnut: Is that a rhetorical question?

91心頭利嫋: ���

Doughnut: You want to tell me you���ve not heard people singing my name these days? From Instagram bakers to WhatsApp vendors, it���s like everyone suddenly remembered I exist. 

91心頭利嫋: Isn���t that a good thing? I mean, you���re famous because more people are interested in you. 

Doughnut: That���s exactly my problem. This sudden interest has done me more harm than good. I was a simple, minimalist snack. Just mix flour, butter, sugar, and I���m good to go. A proper low-budget babe, and I liked it that way. 

But you see Nigerians? They can never let a good thing be. Now, I look into the mirror and don���t even recognise the snack staring back at me. Ah, I���ve seen terrible things. [Shakes head in regret]

91心頭利嫋: I feel like I know where this is going, but can you explain more?

Doughnut: That thing you���re thinking is exactly my problem. Whose idea was it to add milk abi whipped cream to me and change my name to ���Milky Doughnut��� without consulting me?

91心頭利嫋: How were they supposed to consult ���

Doughnut: It would���ve even been better if these bakers ��� if they can be called bakers ��� had kept to my minimalist style and added the milk in moderation. But no o. They decided to disfigure me with their milk concoctions till I looked like something that belonged on a kayan mata vendor���s page.

91心頭利嫋: TBH, it looks weird.

Doughnut: God will bless you o. That���s why I came here. So you can help me beg them to stop it. As I speak to you now, a Doughnut somewhere is being torn open and then suffocated with milk. What happened to sprinkling a little sugar on top if you���re feeling adventurous? I wasn���t made for this life, please.

91心頭利嫋: It���s likely just a fad; everyone will soon be tired.

Doughnut: That���s what I thought too. I thought, ���Surely, the price of milk will soon discourage these people���. But I underestimated Nigerians. Your country people are now filling me with beans, ogi and even .

Who did I offend? Very soon, someone will wake up with the bright idea to stuff me with groundnut paste and pepper and call it something like ���Nutty Doughnut���. I can���t let it get to that. You people need to stop with these creations.

91心頭利嫋: Hold on. Groundnut paste and pepper don���t sound so bad. Imagine how those flavours will complement each other.

Doughnut: Are you kidding me right now?

91心頭利嫋: But why are you so resistant to change?

Doughnut: It���s not the change I���m avoiding. It���s that you Nigerians don���t know when to stop. That���s how one tribe started with just liking pepper. Now, they cook pepper with a dash of food. For another tribe, it���s remaining small for them to put crayfish inside cake. You people have started by pouring one tin of milk inside a baby-sized doughnut. Should I wait until I become extinct?

91心頭利嫋: Hmm. I get your point.

Doughnut: I can feel another Instagram vendor summoning me to complete her latest creation. I don���t know how much more of this I can take. Please, save me.

91心頭利嫋: That���s a lot to ask. Saving people isn���t exactly our field of expertise. But we���ll be praying for you.

Doughnut: Ehh God. 

ALSO READ: Interview With Subsea Cable: ���My Life Is in Danger���

Nigeria and a few other African countries have been hit with poor internet issues and downtimes since March 14, 2024. According to , this was caused by damaged subsea cable.��

��The question on most Nigerians��� lips remains: ���Who even entered the sea to cut the cable?��� 91心頭利嫋 sat down with Subsea Cable to find answers.

[91心頭利嫋 walks into a dark building]

91心頭利嫋: Hello? Anybody here?

Subsea Cable: Identify yourself and recite the password before you take another step.

91心頭利嫋: Password? 

91心頭利嫋 mutters to self: Wetin my eyes no go see for this work?

91心頭利嫋: Nobody gave me any password o. Isn���t that you, Subsea cable?

Subsea Cable: Yes, it���s me. Sorry, I���m trying to protect myself. This is new territory for me. But why are you just coming? They warned me about Nigerians and lateness. But I thought you understood the gravity of the situation.

91心頭利嫋: You���re the one who refused to send me your location. You kept saying I should walk straight and turn left when I see an abandoned NEPA transformer. Do you know how many of those there are in Nigeria?

Subsea Cable: It would���ve been easier if you agreed to meet me under the sea like I suggested. If not for my life that is in danger, would I have left where I was to come here?

91心頭利嫋: Me I don���t use to enter the sea o. You���ve never heard of Yemoja? But wait, did you say something about your life being in danger?

Subsea Cable: Yes. That���s why I called you. I need advice on how to protect myself.

91心頭利嫋: Is it because of the cut you sustained last week? You look like you���re much better now.

Subsea Cable: Yes, I���m undergoing repairs. But that���s not what I mean. Some fishes have been whispering to me about how some African governments are considering making my ���injury��� a regular thing.

91心頭利嫋: What do you mean?

Subsea Cable: Well, they noticed and liked how everyone stopped complaining about their incompetence and focused their attention on swearing for whoever cut me.

91心頭利嫋: Ehen, that���s true. Who even cut you in the first place?

Subsea Cable: Are you listening to what I���m saying at all? I���m telling you that I���ll soon become like your National Grid. You know, the one that���s always collapsing.

91心頭利嫋: Wait, let���s get to the root of the original injury first.

Subsea Cable: Look, I don���t have time. I have to return to my office before they report me missing. Can you at least help me secure some police officers to escort me and keep me safe? I heard you people are the giants of Africa. Surely your police are the best, right?

91心頭利嫋: LMAO. Is there a rock under the sea where you live?

Subsea Cable: As how?

91心頭利嫋: Because you must be living under it. I thought you supply the internet for a living? 

Subsea Cable: So your plan is to insult me?

91心頭利嫋: Oya sorry. Let me get this straight. You need a bodyguard to follow you under the sea, abi?

Subsea Cable: That���s what I���ve been saying since.

91心頭利嫋: And the person will be with you 24/7?

Subsea Cable: That���s the idea.

91心頭利嫋: I have exactly who you need. They say he doesn���t sleep till 4 a.m., and he allegedly built a whole city single-handedly, so coming up with strategies to keep you safe will be soft work for him.

Subsea Cable: Wait���isn���t that your pres���?

91心頭利嫋: Say less. DSS knows our office. Do you accept or not?

Subsea Cable: See who I���m even discussing my problems with. You didn���t hear when I said some African governments are planning against me? In fact, I���m out. Maybe Ghana can help me.

91心頭利嫋: Wait na.

[Subsea Cable storms off in disgust]

NEXT READ: Interview With Noodles: ���I���ve Left the Trenches and Don���t Plan to Return���

91心頭利嫋 hears the commotion on the other side of the hotel room door before it opens and NEPA enters.

91心頭利嫋: Are you not hot?

Nepa: Is that how they greet your elders where you���re from?

Nepa takes the seat opposite 91心頭利嫋.

91心頭利嫋: You���re wearing agbada and fila in this heat? The greeting can wait, Sir.

Nepa: Small heat that is outside? 

91心頭利嫋: The heat is inside, too.

Nepa: Where? My friend, blast the AC and let us hear word.

91心頭利嫋: With which light?

Nepa: Ehn, if there���s no light you can on your gen nau. Abi, are you a JJC?

Nepa opens a bottle of champagne and pours himself a glass which he offers to 91心頭利嫋.

Nepa: You want?

91心頭利嫋: I want us to talk about the light issue.

Nepa: There���s no issue. We���re just on a small break.

91心頭利嫋: Ehn?

Nepa: Don���t they go on breaks in your office?

We have gone off. If you people don���t like it, go and hug a transformer.

91心頭利嫋: 

Nepa: Relax! There���s no light. Nothing will happen to you. The whole system is doing one kind because of the contract staff we hired. Give us some time, and we���ll be back.

91心頭利嫋: Like how long?

Nepa: 

Ehn, some time. It���s not like I don���t want to work o. It���s just that I���m a very busy man.

91心頭利嫋: Even right now that you���re on a break?

Nepa: Of course.

He takes a sip of his champagne.

Nepa: I���m into import and export, supply and demand.

91心頭利嫋: Then, supply us with electricity nau

Nepa: Come, don���t make me angry. I said we have gone on a break. When you people were going on your December break, shebi, they allowed you.

91心頭利嫋: So you decided to go on your break in February when they’ve dragged us to sit at Satan���s right hand in hell?

Nepa: God forbid. You and who are sitting with Satan? Look, I am Nepa, I can do whatever I want. Plus, the national grid needs to rest. Shebi you people kept complaining that it was breaking down. I���ve given him a break. You���re welcome.

91心頭利嫋: But the heat and lack of electricity is almost as bad as that Indomie and bread combo.

91心頭利嫋 pauses and looks around.

91心頭利嫋: How does this place even have light? Is it gen?

Nepa: Generator? In my building? No o. Steady power supply.

91心頭利嫋: If you���re giving this place electricity, then share some with the rest of the country. Do you like how they���re insulting you?

Nepa: Insulting who? They���re not insulting me o. They���re insulting ���the Neps���. 

91心頭利嫋:

Sir, why did you ask me to come here?

Nepa: That���s the question you should���ve started with. You���d have saved us all this back and forth.

They hear a knock at the door. 

Nepa: Ehen, he���s here. Come in.

The door opens and a man walks in with a big carton in his hand.

91心頭利嫋: Did it get hotter in here?

91心頭利嫋 fans themselves.  furiously. Nepa looks up at the man.

Nepa: You���re always doing too much. 91心頭利嫋 meet Heat.

Heat: 

91心頭利嫋: Ehn? What does that even��� Why is he even���

Nepa: Shebi you people are looking for who to insult? Insult him.

Nepa gets up and brings the content of the box out one by one.

Nepa: Me, I���m just selling my generator batteries.

91心頭利嫋: 

Nepa: Any type you want, I have it.

91心頭利嫋: This��� this is what you brought me here for? This is what you left your job for?

Psst! Have you seen our Valentine Special yet? We brought back three couples – one now with kids, one now married and the last, still best friends – to share how their relationships have evolved in the last five years. Watch the first episode below:

91心頭利嫋: Ramsey!

Ramsey:

91心頭利嫋: My idolo!��

After you, na you. There���s no counterfeit. My goat.

Ramsey: 

Ram.

91心頭利嫋: Sir?

Ramsey: My name is Chibuzor Ramsey Thee Ram. Did you hear ���goat��� in my name?

91心頭利嫋: 

Okay, sorry. Our bad. Do you have some sort of beef with go���

Ramsey:

If you���re going to disrespect me, you better move from my front. People want pictures with me.

91心頭利嫋: Don���t be angry. We just wanted to find out if you and ���that one��� had issues. We won���t lie, you guys look like you share the same daddy.

Ramsey: Are you calling me ugly?

91心頭利嫋: Never!

Ramsey: Take it back. Take it back before I ram into you. Look at me, take a good look at me, then go and look at that ugly, smelling thing. Do we look alike? I have horns, do goats have horns?

91心頭利嫋: Well, ye…

Ramsey: Please, we���re not the same. I���m a hard worker, I���m tough, my people give limited edition suya, for God���s sake.

91心頭利嫋: That���s true. Ram suya does taste really nice.

(Someone comes to take a video of Ramsey, and he turns to 91心頭利嫋.)

Ramsey: Shift.

91心頭利嫋: Hmm?

Ramsey: Can you leave my video? Leave my video, please. Thank you.

(91心頭利嫋 steps to the side.)

91心頭利嫋: How does it feel to be popular?

Ramsey: Great.

(He turns to 91心頭利嫋.)

I���m finally stepping into my glory. This is what I was born to do, to be a star.

91心頭利嫋: Fame looks good on you.

Ramsey: You can see it too, right? Imagine if it was a goat?

91心頭利嫋: So, what���s next for you? Do you have any plans?

Ramsey: I should be asking you that question.

When I���m done here, what���s next? You people will put me in a hotel until #BurningRam2024, right?

91心頭利嫋: 

Ramsey: I know the economy is moving funny right now. But you people need to make the money move and put me in the presidential suite of Eko Hotel, nothing less. 

91心頭利嫋:

Ramsey: I���d also need an assistant and a manager. Free tickets to all 91心頭利嫋 events are a must. I want a spa day after this too because you people���s sun wants to burn me frfr.

(Ramsey looks up and sees 91心頭利嫋 in the distance.)

Ramsey: 91心頭利嫋! Did you hear all I said?! I have needs, and you need to meet them!
91心頭利嫋: When you meet your new bestie, you can tell them all your needs!

Ramsey: Ehn? 91心頭利嫋!!

91心頭利嫋: 

Twi��� X?

X Premium turns around on her swivel chair with arms spread wide.

X Premium: Welcome.

91心頭利嫋: Thank you.

X Premium: Come, sit.

91心頭利嫋: Yeah.

91心頭利嫋 looks around the room.

91心頭利嫋: I just need to take in the decor of this place.

X Premium: It���s great, abi? When they said I should come in for the rebrand, the first thing I did was the office.

91心頭利嫋 moves further into the room, cautiously.

X Premium: I���m sure you���ve heard of all my exploits.

91心頭利嫋: Exploits?

X Premium: You know, the great things I���ve done with X.

91心頭利嫋: Yes, I know what exploits means. I just can���t believe you used it to describe your deeds.

X Premium: Do you know I bring in the money in this place? I���m the boss.

91心頭利嫋: What happened to Elozonam?

X Premium: Who?

91心頭利嫋: Right, I had that conversation with the bird. I���m talking about Elon.

X Premium: Oh, him? He���s the boss too. He likes to call me his brainchild. But I run things around here, so who���s the child now?

91心頭利嫋: Huh?

X Premium: 

Let���s forget about that and focus on all the great things I���ve done.

91心頭利嫋 pulls out a pen and notepad.

91心頭利嫋: Like what?

X Premium:

You���re joking, right? I���m making people blow. People are cashing out.

91心頭利嫋: Yeah, how does that work?

X Premium: You don���t sound impressed. Why don���t you sound impressed?

91心頭利嫋:

Me? I���m impressed o. Ahh. Only you by yourself, you���re doing poverty alleviation scheme.

X Premium: Thank you! You get the vision.

X Premium goes around her desk and throws her hand around 91心頭利嫋���s shoulder.

X Premium: See, one day I had a dream. Solve world hunger.

91心頭利嫋: Via Twitter?

X Premium:

91心頭利嫋: Sorry, X.

X Premium: Yes. 

91心頭利嫋: So your subscribers are paying you to solve world hunger?

X Premium: Technically, they���re paying each other. It���s a great way for money to circulate.

91心頭利嫋 shuts the notepad and bends down to pick their bag.

91心頭利嫋: Every time I conduct these interviews, I hear rubbish.

X Premium: Where are you going?

91心頭利嫋: Back to my office before you use aspire to perspire so you don���t expire to finish me.

X Premium: So you don���t see the vision?

91心頭利嫋: Mama, there���s no vision. Nobody can see anything. You just wanted people to subscribe and post longer tweets��� exes��� exclamation points? Woh, whatever you���re calling it now. It sha wasn���t working.

X Premium: Please, leave my office.

91心頭利嫋: I was already leaving. You and your fake gold office can continue the good work.

91心頭利嫋 walks out and shuts the door.

X Premium: 

It���s real gold!

91心頭利嫋:

The toilet stops at 91心頭利嫋���s desk and descends.

BBN Toilet: Hi

91心頭利嫋: Since Monday?

BBN Toilet: Sorry, I had work.

91心頭利嫋: So did I.

BBN Toilet: Yes, but we have different jobs.

舘庄一看一看:油

Why are you smiling like that?

BBN Toilet: Like what?

91心頭利嫋 gestures  at BBN Toilet���s face.

91心頭利嫋: That. You���ve been shining your teeth since you ��� floated in.

(under breath) What am I even doing?

BBN Toilet: I���m just happy.

This is the best feeling in the world.

91心頭利嫋:  Stop. Please, come down.

BBN Toilet descends with a giggle.

BBN Toilet: Sorry. Work has been so good lately, I can���t believe my employers love me this much.

91心頭利嫋: 

They told you they love you?

BBN Toilet: Obviously not. I can just feel it.

91心頭利嫋: Because they hold meetings and cry around you?

BBN Toilet: You saw it too abi? They love me.

91心頭利嫋: Maybe you���re just the only place they can get some form of privacy.

BBN Toilet: 

91心頭利嫋: Look, I don���t want to sound like a hater, but I swear they were just leaving skid…

BBN Toilet slams their hands against 91心頭利嫋���s table.

BBN Toilet: That was a mistake, and it got cleared up.

91心頭利嫋: They throw up in you.

BBN Toilet: That���s literally what I���m here for. I take their shit and provide them with a listening ear. Why can���t you understand that?

91心頭利嫋: deep breath

So, this listening ear, have you always provided it?

BBN Toilet: I���ve tried, but, no one���s really seen me for me, until this season. You don���t understand, they love me, take care of me

91心頭利嫋: Again, please remember the skid marks.

BBN Toilet: Why are you trying to steal my joy? They think of me as a friend.

91心頭利嫋: Even���

BBN Toilet: Yes, even when they throw up in me. They bring their face close to me, and caress me ���

91心頭利嫋:

Okay, thank you so much for coming.

91心頭利嫋 stands up.

BBN Toilet: I should leave?

91心頭利嫋: No. Never, I would never chase you away. You can stay and leave when you want. I have some business to take care of, so I���m going.

BBN Toilet: 

You���re going to see my friend?

91心頭利嫋: No.

BBN Toilet: Yes, you���re going to see my friend that works here. Say hi to them for me.

91心頭利嫋: I���m not ��� goodbye.

BBN Toilet: Bye.

91心頭利嫋: Ahn ahn, Threads. Long time no see.

Threads: Don���t patronise me. Leave this place.

91心頭利嫋: But you wanted us to patronise you last month. Why are you giving mixed signals?

Threads: How can you even accuse me of mixed signals? After everything you guys did to me.

91心頭利嫋: (Scratches head) Sorry o. What did we do? A lot has happened this year, and we can���t remember everything.

Threads: We literally spoke a month ago. 

You and everyone else acted like I was the app you���d been looking for all your life. You made me think I was the best thing ever ��� 30 million sign-ups in less than 24 hours. You people love-bombed me. 

91心頭利嫋: What do you want us to say? It wasn���t us.

Threads: Are you gaslighting me right now?

91心頭利嫋: Oya, wait. Listen to me. We can work things out.

Threads: You all said you loved me because I wasn���t toxic. Only for you to start me. You people barely open me anymore. And now, you want me to open up to you? 

On top of that, you went back to your toxic ���X���.

91心頭利嫋: (quietly blushing at the mention of ���X���)…

We���re��� we���re sorry.

Threads: Save it, please. You���re all scum.

91心頭利嫋: There���s just something about ���X���. We just don���t have that fire with you. But you deserve better.

Threads: Please, shut up.

*Bursts into hot tears*

My God will judge you.

91心頭利嫋: Oya, stop crying. It���s enough. Sorry. We���re here for you.

Threads: Promise?

91心頭利嫋: ���

NEXT READ: 24 Hours of Threading: A Report Card for Twitter���s New Rival, ���Threads���

Tequila: 91心頭利嫋?

91心頭利嫋: Hmm? 

Tequila: 91心頭利嫋!

91心頭利嫋: 

Tequila: Join me

91心頭利嫋: No, thank you.

Tequila: Ahan, are we not friends again?

91心頭利嫋: When did we become friends?

Tequila: 91心頭利嫋!! Feel free, relax.

91心頭利嫋 looks around the full bar.

Tequila: It���s for me. They���re here for me.

91心頭利嫋: Is it your birthday?

Tequila:

91心頭利嫋: 

Tequila: You���re joking, right? Obviously, you know why they gathered for me.

91心頭利嫋: 

Tequila: Ahan. My album just dropped na. Hot stuff, fire music.

Are you hearing that song right now? That���s me.

91心頭利嫋: Actually, that���s AG baby.

Tequila: What���s the name of the album?

91心頭利嫋: That doesn���t matter. 

Tequila: Just say it.

91心頭利嫋: Tequila Ever After.

Tequila: Gbam. That���s it. The album and I are namesakes, which means the album is mine.

91心頭利嫋: That���s not how it goes.

Tequila: Tequila Ever After. I���ve become a legend.

91心頭利嫋: Because Adekunle Gold put ���Ever After��� beside your name?

Tequila: I���ve been a legend before then. Don���t look at me with small eyes, I���m big. Big buzz, if you try me, you go loss.

91心頭利嫋: Who dashed you?

Tequila: 

What���s your favourite liquor?

91心頭利嫋: Wine

Tequila:

Tequila pours a clear liquid into a shot glass.

Tequila: Drink.

91心頭利嫋 sighs and takes the shot.

Tequila: How was it? Shebi it was smooth?

91心頭利嫋: That doesn���t prove anything

Tequila: It does. I do my work, and I do my work well. No complaints.

91心頭利嫋: (under breath) Gin does her work well too.

The music in the bar stops and everyone turns to 91心頭利嫋.

91心頭利嫋: 

Puff Puff dances into the office, followed by her local drummers and entourage.

91心頭利嫋: This is��� 

Puff Puff: My friend, join me to dance! You know my story.

91心頭利嫋: I don���t want to be that person but��� we���re on the clock.

Puff Puff: That���s true. You���re right. 

Puff Puff sends her entourage away and finally takes her seat.

91心頭利嫋: Welcome back to Interview With.

Puff Puff: Thank you o. Thank you. The last time, I was here with those ingrates. Today, I have the floor.

91心頭利嫋: Ah yes. You people���s association of finger foods they don’t send message.

Puff Puff:

91心頭利嫋: I’m talking about them, not you. As we can all see, you���re thriving on your own.

Puff Puff: Say it again. Those small children wanted to drag space with me. Me! But look at life now. I will always be on top, and they���ll remain under me. They don���t even have the range I command.

91心頭利嫋: Speak your truth, Puff Puff. 

Puff Puff: Me that I was so good they named me twice, that low-budget gala, and the triangle one that���ll continue to have identity crisis. They hate on me, but I showed them.

91心頭利嫋: Name and shame them, Puff Puff. Name and shame them.

Puff Puff: Spring roll and samosa, I’m talking about the two both of them. Because I was having a bad year, they thought they could insult an OG like me.

91心頭利嫋: But people are still complaining about you. 

Puff Puff: Where?

91心頭利嫋: Ahh, everywhere o. They���re complaining about all the shape-shift you used to shape-shift.

Puff Puff: Me, shape-shift? I don’t do that. 

91心頭利嫋: They���re also saying you’re in your identity crisis era.

Puff Puff: Me?

91心頭利嫋: They said you’re doing too much. Today, pepper. Tomorrow, Noreos. The day after, Oreos. The people are starting to get scared. They don’t know what they might find when they bite into puff puff these days.

Puff Puff:  

They���re all haters and clout chasers, and they can���t even cook.

91心頭利嫋: Shhh.

Puff Puff: Don’t silence me. Customer is right, customer is right. Today, customer is wrong. I give people variety. However you want your puff puff, you can get it. If you dream it, you can achieve it.

91心頭利嫋: Word. 

Puff Puff: Vanilla, chocolate, peppery, strawberry

91心頭利嫋:

Puff Buff: You���re right, I shouldn’t be giving people ideas. If they sha don’t like one, they can find another that suits their taste better.

91心頭利嫋: True.

Puff Puff: Why is your face still like that?

91心頭利嫋: Sorry, that your strawberry comment just made me remember rainbow puff puff.

Puff Puff: What���s wrong with that? Same wonderful taste in different colours.

91心頭利嫋: 

Puff Puff: Sorry.

91心頭利嫋: Please, tell us about your come-up story.

Puff Puff: Hmm, I know I don’t look a day above 19���

91心頭利嫋: 

Puff Puff: ���but I’m old. I’ve been in this food business for a while now. It hasn���t always been stable, but I’ve always had my people and fans, the popping puffers, behind me. 

91心頭利嫋: That’s the name of your fanbase?

Puff Puff: It’s not good?

91心頭利嫋: If your fans like it.

Puff Puff: Aren���t you a fan?

舘庄一看一看:油

You got me, you got me.

Puff Puff: Anyway, my core fans have always been there, but the haters always hate and spread rumours about me. They started with the playground lie, and that one made things tough for a while. 

91心頭利嫋:…

Puff Puff: I now decided to join those ingrates and their useless small chops association. That���s when the haters started coming from everywhere to insult me. They said I was always too much. Before nko? The people that fill the pack with me know I���m the life of the party. That���s why they want me there.

91心頭利嫋: It���s like you have plenty haters and enemies.

Puff Puff: Shebi, you too you are seeing it.

91心頭利嫋: You don’t think it might be because of your bad behaviour?

Puff Puff:

Are you one of them?

91心頭利嫋: One of what?

Puff Puff: My haters.

91心頭利嫋 pushes their plate of small chops away, with its ten puff puff pieces laying in the cold.

91心頭利嫋: Never

Puff Puff: Better 

91心頭利嫋: Before you leave, do you have anything else you want to say to your haters?

Puff Puff: Shame to bad belle people. I am the winner, you are the loser.