Hear Me Out is a weekly limited series where Ifoghale and Ibukun share the unsolicited opinions some people are thinking, others are living but everyone should hear.
I love my closest friends, but my burner account will only stress you out.
@IfoghaleWilson. @The_Black_Prime. @iTITAN_X_. And most embarrassingly, @CyberLord_R9 鈥 my very first Twitter username. Still, none of those times I changed my Twitter username brought me the same satisfaction as when I opened my burner account.
We鈥檝e all got one. Whether it鈥檚 for posting racy photos or confessing long-suffering feelings for your ex from two years ago, we can all agree our burner accounts are our little kingdoms. Our private beaches where we can strip without shame. That鈥檚 why we keep it locked and anon. And yeah, sometimes, that means locking our partners and besties out too.
It鈥檚 only now, in my 20s, that I can look back at all the times I鈥檝e changed my Twitter username over the years and be like, 鈥測eah, I wasn鈥檛 insane.鈥
Changing my Twitter username was fun, but there were still the limitations of my main account: I can be opinionated but not unhinged
I was reinventing myself, again and again. At 13, my brain said I was into Megas XLR, and I signed up on Twitter as @CyberLord_R9. At 14 years old, my brain said I needed to become cool for my crush, so I became @iTITAN_X_. @The_Black_Prime was me entering my mid-way into my teens. I wanted to be unknowable 鈥 鈥渢his guy鈥檚 so mysterious and cool.鈥
But I was 16 and dumb, not mysterious. And on and on, I wasn鈥檛 satisfied. Changing my Twitter username was fun, but there were still the limitations of my main account: I can be opinionated but not unhinged. I can share stuff about my life, but I can鈥檛 overshare. Oh, that guy鈥檚 tweet was dumb AF; I need to tell him he鈥檚 not wise. But what if I become the first person to die of insult?
Yeah, there was no way I鈥檇 ever become the main character on Twitter. I gathered all my hot takes, horny tweets, embarrassing confessions and emotional baggage, opened a burner account, and dumped them all in. Do you smell that? 鈥 freedom.
There are things we struggle to tell even our closest friends. This might be true in a relationship.
Everyone with a burner account is looking to be free. This means everyone with a burner account is hiding something from someone they love. Hear me out.
There are things we struggle to tell even our closest friends. This might be true in a relationship. Sure, you鈥檙e in love, but you鈥檙e still an individual with your dark and heavy thoughts. It鈥檚 a kind of mercy to want to spare your lover the stress of communicating every small, dirty, depressing thing your brain can conjure, even if your brain won鈥檛 spare you as it begs for you to let them out.
In comes your burner with its eight, maybe nine followers. People you know just enough to not really care what they think. Friends of yours mostly, but nobody you鈥檙e scared of hurting with your words. The followers on your burner won鈥檛 be worried sick about you, so you spazz.
I keep some of my closest friends out of my burner account. I love you, but nah. You鈥檒l be stressed by it. You鈥檙e going to go to bed wondering if I鈥檓 okay or where I learned to insult somebody鈥檚 child like that, and I won鈥檛 have an answer. I don鈥檛 want that for either of us. I want you to have peace of mind.
Maybe I shouldn鈥檛 be afraid to approach my friends and lovers with my hideous and beautiful parts. Maybe I should trust them to handle these parts with grace, but it isn鈥檛 always about the fear of being judged (though this is half of it). It鈥檚 also that becoming aware of my less-appealing parts actually suck. Of course, it鈥檒l take some time before I share everything.
Bless the burner. It鈥檚 about privacy at the end of the day.
Okay, I don鈥檛 know about 鈥渟haring everything.鈥 I鈥檝e got friends on my burner account who post pictures on their burner accounts 鈥 pictures they don鈥檛 want some of our mutual friends to see. They love our mutual friends, but I鈥檒l bet they love the privacy too. Bless the burner.
A friend of mine opened a burner to escape her bosses at work who follow her main account. She simply wanted to complain about work and be horny in peace. Bless the burner. It鈥檚 about privacy at the end of the day.
I鈥檒l admit that I owe the closest people in my life all my many sides and faces, and maybe I鈥檒l eventually get to show them.
When I do, it鈥檒l be free from the view of the over 200 million other Twitter users. When I open up, it will be from safe within my burner account, where I鈥檝e got the keys. If you know, you know. Bless the burner.
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