Interview With…is a 91心頭利嫋 weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.
Today on Interview With, we invited Breakfast to the 91心頭利嫋 office. Heartbreak and Morning Food showed up. Here is our interview with the both of them:
91心頭利嫋: Hello, good morning. Welcome to 91心頭利嫋 Interview With.
Breakfast: Thank you for having me.
91心頭利嫋: We understand you have a busy morning ahead of you, so we will wrap this up quickly.
Breakfast: Thats fine by me.
91心頭利嫋: In your own opinion, what is the most nutritious breakfast to eat?
Breakfast: Oh, thats simple. It can be in different forms. For example, finding out that your partner of five years cheated on you is one very nutritious breakfast. A serious talking stage ending in tears is also another nutritious
91心頭利嫋: Wait a minute. Which breakfast are you?
Breakfast: The heartbreak one.
91心頭利嫋: There has been a mistake somewhere. We invited the actual Breakfast, morning food.
Breakfast: Oh. One of us really needs to consider changing our name.
91心頭利嫋: How did you even come to be called Breakfast? What happened to being called good old heartbreak?
Breakfast: I am sure you will agree with me that there are some heartbreaks that fill you up like food. You will collect it and be unable to eat. Youll just be drinking wine or water. In fact, you can even vomit what you did not eat. All because a Yoruba man broke your heart, or you found out that your serious Igbo girlfriend who went home to visit her family actually went to do her traditional wedding. That is when people say, They have served you Breakfast.
91心頭利嫋: Omo.
Breakfast: Left to me, I prefer to be called Heartbreak, but when people started telling their heartbroken friends that they have been served Breakfast after a serious disappointment, I said let me in come in and claim the name.
91心頭利嫋: But why Breakfast? Why not Lunch or Dinner?
Breakfast: Well, Breakfast is an important meal, I guess. Imagine being heartbroken and telling your friends that you have been served lunch. The friend might even congratulate you on being able to afford a fancy lunch. But when you call your friend at past 9 in the night, shedding hot tears and saying you have been served Breakfast, then the person on the other end of the line will be forced to sit up straight because eating Breakfast at 9pm is very unusual.
91心頭利嫋: Crazy things are happening.
Breakfast: Even Tems cannot deny that she has not eaten Breakfast before.
91心頭利嫋: Wait oh. Me I thought this Breakfast thing meant good news sha.
Breakfast: Are you talking about that video of Ogogo saying, Gbogbo wa lama je breakfast?
91心頭利嫋: Ehen now. He said All of us will eat breakfast, and each persons time will be different. So how did heartbreak enter this thing?
Breakfast: My brother, this is Nigeria. Good news is scarce. But everywhere you turn, heartbreak is waiting to French kiss you.
91心頭利嫋: No, but
Breakfast: Listen, Ogogo probably meant it as good news, I agree. But come to think of it, all of you will also eat the breakfast of heartbreak, and each persons time will be different. Just like the angel of doom is knocking on everybodys door, I, Breakfast is going round and round the earth too, looking for who to feed.
91心頭利嫋: Let me close my mouth before I taste you.
Breakfast: A closed mouth is a closed destiny, dont forget that.
[Door opens and the actual Breakfast enters]
Actual Breakfast: Sorry Im late oh. I was delayed by one family.
Breakfast: Could it be that they served Breakfast to you, Breakfast?
Actual Breakfast: Who be this one?
Breakfast: I am Breakfast, the heartbreak edition. Pleased to make your acquaintance.
Actual Breakfast: Please, I am not making any useless acquaintances. I need to rest. I have had a long and stressful morning. Are you 91心頭利嫋 people doing this interview or not?
91心頭利嫋: Yes, yes, we are still doing this interview. Heartbreak Breakfast, you can leave, please. We have had enough of you.
Breakfast: I will go. [Exits]
Actual Breakfast: See as e be like wetin I no know. Say na pleased to make your acquaintance. If you dont leave here with your foolish English.
91心頭利嫋: Erm, is this a good time? You sound a bit cranky
Actual Breakfast: Why will I not be cranky? No, answer me. How will a respectable human being wake up and decide to eat Semo and Okro as breakfast? How? And its not even fresh Semo, its leftover Semo the person warmed.
91心頭利嫋: Oh wow.
Actual Breakfast: If you know what my eyes have seen in the hands of Nigerians all in the name of eating morning food, you will join me to weep. Some people will decide they want to eat Breakfast by 12 p.m., when Im supposed to have finished my morning rounds. They will now summon me again. Why not just hold the hunger and eat your lunch by 2 p.m.?
91心頭利嫋: Is there an official timetable stating that lunch must be by 2pm?
Actual Breakfast: Please dont ask me foolish questions. Knowing your type, you probably eat breakfast by 1 p.m.
91心頭利嫋: Oh not at all.
Actual Breakfast: I dont even care. I just want you people to do better. Two or three slices of yam, fried egg and a cup of tea is decent. But if some Nigerians have not served a three course meal, they are not satisfied. Breakfast, but you people are serving eba and draw soup with shaki. You will finish eating, only to go and sleep at work or enter traffic to fight.
Look, sorry Im ranting. I guess I am just having a bad morning.
91心頭利嫋: Its okay. This is a safe space, let it all out.
Actual Breakfast: Thank y Oh great. This person that ate Semo and Okro is already calling for milk and Milo.
91心頭利嫋: They want to drink tea after eating Semo?
Actual Breakfast: Now tell me why I shouldnt be angry.
[Actual Breakfast walks out angrily]
91心頭利嫋: Toh. They have served you too Breakfast.
[Door slams]
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