Interview With... | 91心頭利嫋! /stack/interview-with/ Come for the fun, stay for the culture! Sat, 25 Oct 2025 11:46:47 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=7.1.2 /wp-content/uploads/zikoko/2020/04/cropped-91心頭利嫋_91心頭利嫋_Purple-Logo-1-150x150.jpg Interview With... | 91心頭利嫋! /stack/interview-with/ 32 32 Interview With Nigerian Internet Service Providers (PT. 2): Wheres The Internet?? /life/interview-with-nigerian-isps-internet/ Wed, 22 Oct 2025 17:29:59 +0000 /?p=362065 Interview With is a 91心頭利嫋 weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

Sometimes, it feels like the tag ISPInternet Service Provider means something else entirely because theres no actual providing going on. 

After a particularly frustrating week, 91心頭利嫋 rounded up Nigerias major ISPs to get to the root of the matter and ask one simple question: Where did our network go?

[91心頭利嫋 arrives at a quaint bistro on the Mainland and spends fifteen minutes trying to pay the Uber driver because, of course, theres no network. The driver finally confirms payment, and 91心頭利嫋 walks away, muttering unpleasant words for the unnecessary delay. Ahead, Airtel, MTN and Spectranet are already seated, their flashy colours drawing unwanted attraction. 91心頭利嫋 joins the table and goes straight to business.]

91心頭利嫋: I see Glo and FiberOne are late.

Airtel: [bursts into giggles]

Spectranet: Are you surprised? 

MTN: They love an African time arrival.

91心頭利嫋: Is that so?

Airtel: 額艶壊

91心頭利嫋:油 It wasnt a question.油Anyway, well start without them.油

Id say good afternoon, but theres nothing good about this afternoon.

Airtel: Easy tiger. 

91心頭利嫋: You must think Im here for jokes, right? It took me twenty minutes to pay my cab fare because none of you were working, and you have the audacity to tell me easy. Are you 

Spectranet: Fifteen minutes actually.

(91心頭利嫋 shoots Spectranet a stone-cold look)

91心頭利嫋: Excuse me?

MTN (whispering): Guy, behave!

Spectranet: What? I was counting.

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91心頭利嫋: Since you guys are keeping tabs, can yall explain why your networks keep disappearing? Bloody hell! 

MTN: First of all, I dont go off. I simply select who deserves internet. If you have bad vibes, you buffer. Simple.

Airtel: My users are soft life people. If I ever go off, its because Im resting and they understand the importance of rest. All work and no play

MTN: makes Jack an olodo.

91心頭利嫋 (visibly irritated): Are you guys being for real?

Spectranet: Listen, I dont know what theyre both on about. All I know is, Nigerians dont know how to use delicate devices. If youre treating your MiFi device like a ball of eba, how will it work? Have you tried putting it on a silk pillow strategically facing the North-West? No, yet you want good internet. SMH. 

91心頭利嫋: You guys are making no sense, and no one has answered the question. Why am I paying ridiculous sums for internet that shows up when it likes?

Unknown: Guys!!!

(All meeting attendants, including 91心頭利嫋, turn a sharp gaze toward the entrance) 

MTN: Who is that one?

Airtel (adjusts antenna): Erm

Spectranet: Oh, slow with pride. 

Glo [Still shouting]: So you guys started without me?

91心頭利嫋: You arrived late and still want to create a scene. Is this the time we agreed on?

Glo: Hey, it’s better late than never, right?

91心頭利嫋: You honestly should have stayed at home. But now that you are here, can you explain why the network has been slow? Im not sure these other ones know what theyre getting paid for.

MTN: Easy tiger.

91心頭利嫋: If you call me tiger again, Ill involve the NCC. I have him on speed dial.

Airtel (mutters): Its giving military regime.

MTN: I

91心頭利嫋: Shhhh! Glo, answer the question, please. 

Glo: Well, I cant speak for everybody, but last I checked, we still have paying customers. That must mean were getting something right. Yes, the internet may be bad from time to time, but who no dey face challenges for this current Nigeria? 

(MTN, Spectranet and Airtel break into thunderous applause)

91心頭利嫋 (startled): Whats going on here?

Airtel: I think you can hear him clearly? Everybody is going through it in Nigeria. You should be grateful were even showing up at all.

MTN & Airtel (together): Preach! 

91心頭利嫋: I see what you people are trying to do. But it wont work. You collect my hard earned money and want to blame your poor service on Nigeria?

(91心頭利嫋 pulls out phone. Scrolls through contact list and lands on the FCCPCs number. But a deafening whirling sound envelopes the place. From a distance, FiberOne and Starlink climb down from a chopper.) 

Spectranet (scoffs): Always the one for drama. Abegii.

MTN: Where did they see money for a chopper?

Airtel: Maybe its from all the money they saved from not giving their customers  network. Rubbish and ingredients

Glo: If you must hate, at least tell the truth. Their customers enjoy basic service. Above average if my sources are right.

91心頭利嫋: Listen, Im not interested in this side talk you people are on about. I want a solution, and if somebody doesnt provide one in the next minute, Im calling FCCPC. 

(Starlink and FiberOne take their seats, only acknowledging 91心頭利嫋)

91心頭利嫋: So gracious of you people to bless us with your presence. Now that you have arrived, do you know why paying customers cannot enjoy uninterrupted internet?

Starlink (adjusts outfit): Well, I shouldnt even be here in the first place. F1 told me the povvos were meeting on the mainland yapping about low quality problems, and I thought to drop by. But since Im here and youve posed the question, I only have one answer: Anyone with the financial

Airtel: Ehn! What do you think you want to do? My friend will you keep quiet there!

MTN: Tell him o. Imagine the pompous goat trying to poach our customers.

Glo: Genzs are all the same everywhere. They just want to come and take with no regard for the people before them.

(Spectranet breaks into Sound Sultans Bushmeat. MTN, Glo and Airtel join in)

91心頭利嫋 (sighs): Guys, guys, guys

(Loud singing continues. Starlink and FiberOne storm out of the building.)

91心頭利嫋 (speaking on phone): Hello, is this the FCCPC?

(On the other side of town, 9Mobile frantically jumps out of bed.)

91心頭利嫋: Wait, I think we forgot to about 9Mobile.

Them: Who???

READ ALSO: Interview With Nigerian Internet Service Providers: Let Us Explain

]]> Interview With Akara: You Think You Can Fry Me Without Sacrifice? /chopist/interview-with-akara-sacrifice/ Mon, 07 Apr 2025 16:40:01 +0000 /?p=343967 91心頭利嫋 arrives at a remote village deep in southwestern Nigeria. The guide, who refused to go beyond the seventh footpath, pointed to a thick palm grove and said, If you hear your name, dont answer. Just keep walking.

After navigating the narrow path, 91心頭利嫋 arrives at a clearing. A battered aluminium pot simmers over an open flame. The air smells of heated oil and spiced beans. A sudden gust of wind blows out the lantern. Then suddenly, a voice.

Akara: You came alone?

91心頭利嫋 (startled): Who who said that?

Akara: Answer the question.

91心頭利嫋: Yes. I

Akara: You were not followed?

91心頭利嫋: No.

Akara: Good. I dont like distractions. Especially not at this hour.

91心頭利嫋 (still confused): Akara?

(A perfectly round, golden brown ball bobs in the oil, then levitates gently onto the stool. It has eyes. A mouth. And is somehow chewing something.)

Akara: Yes, its me. You asked for an interview, didnt you? So sit down and be quick about it. My oil doesnt stay hot forever.

91心頭利嫋: Thank you for agreeing to speak with us. 

Akara: Point of correction, I didnt agree. I summoned you. Youve been whispering my name online. Now hear my truth.

91心頭利嫋: Right. So, that means youre aware that youve been trending recently?

Akara (scoffs): Of course. You people finally realise Im not ordinary, and now you cant shut up. Talking about “akara sellers don’t sleep”, “you must be fortified”, “they only sell at night.” Are you just discovering that Im spiritual royalty?

91心頭利嫋: So is it true? That no one can enter the akara business without spiritual backup?

Akara: Let me ask you something. Do you know what it means to fry beans in 8 p.m. darkness? Balance hot oil on a charcoal stove? Do you think its beans to stand in front of fire day after day, untouched? You cant sell me if your aura is dirty. Youll burn. That is not ordinary strength. That is calling.

91心頭利嫋: So you’re saying it’s not everyone that can fry akara?

Akara: Not everybody should, and not everybody can. I dont call everybody. Some of you are just frying air. No taste, no crunch, no jena-say-qua.

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READ THIS TOO: 10 Places To Make Over 30k Per Day From Selling Akara

91心頭利嫋: But its just bean paste

Akara (cuts in angrily): Just? See this one. Did your ancestors not tell you I was used to welcome twins? That I sit beside pap as king and not a side? Let me catch you calling me just anything again. 

91心頭利嫋: Sorry. I didn’t mean

Akara: Don’t vex me. My people know themselves. You think its beans to start frying me on a random street and suddenly, cars start stopping, bankers start queuing and nobody complains about the price? Theres power involved. Spiritually balanced people only.

91心頭利嫋: So you admit there’s a spiritual element?

Akara: Ive been telling you since. Did you come here with your ears in your pocket? Anyway, you people keep putting me with the spineless lots of puff puff, buns and dundun. Please, listen and listen well: We are not the same. Who carries this countrys less privileged on a day by day basis? Me. Who feeds the deceased even when theyre long gone? Me. 

91心頭利嫋: I see. So, are you worried that your recent fame might attract unserious people who want to bust your myth?

Akara: Let them try it. Let them try it and see if their eyebrows wont go up in smoke. Youll know the ones I didnt call hot oil will reject them. The fire will embarrass them. The beans will not bond.

91心頭利嫋: Wow.

Akara: Let me not even start on the people who try to fry me with an air fryer. Or the ones that use an electric cooker. *spit* 

91心頭利嫋: Some people online also said youve been spotted at spiritual rivers and shrines.

Akara: I ask again. Did you come here with your ears in your pockets? Have you not been following what Ive been saying?

91心頭利嫋: But

Akara: Anyway, let me just answer so you people wont say Im proud. The truth is, you people think greatness is cheap. Every real akara seller knows what I demand discipline, early rising, sacrifice. You want to make it, but cant even grind beans overnight? Please, go and bake a cake. 

Akara (glancing at the sunless sky): This interview is over. The wind is shifting.

91心頭利嫋: Wait, just one last question

Akara: I said it is over! If they like, let them keep saying its just beans and oil. Ill be here watching. Waiting. For everyone who thinks they can enter my business without blood, sweat, and spirit I dey wait una for junction.

(A sharp gust of wind blows. The frying pot disappears. In its place, only the faint scent of onions and firewood remains.)

YOU’LL LOVE THIS TOO: Interview With Cucumber: Its My Time to Shine


]]> Interview With Subsea Cable: My Life Is in Danger /life/interview-with-subsea-cable-my-life-is-in-danger/ Tue, 19 Mar 2024 11:11:57 +0000 /?p=324337 Interview With油is a 91心頭利嫋 series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

Nigeria and a few other African countries have been hit with poor internet issues and downtimes since March 14, 2024. According to , this was caused by damaged subsea cable.油

油The question on most Nigerians lips remains: Who even entered the sea to cut the cable? 91心頭利嫋 sat down with Subsea Cable to find answers.

[91心頭利嫋 walks into a dark building]

91心頭利嫋: Hello? Anybody here?

Subsea Cable: Identify yourself and recite the password before you take another step.

91心頭利嫋: Password? 

91心頭利嫋 mutters to self: Wetin my eyes no go see for this work?

91心頭利嫋: Nobody gave me any password o. Isnt that you, Subsea cable?

Subsea Cable: Yes, its me. Sorry, Im trying to protect myself. This is new territory for me. But why are you just coming? They warned me about Nigerians and lateness. But I thought you understood the gravity of the situation.

91心頭利嫋: Youre the one who refused to send me your location. You kept saying I should walk straight and turn left when I see an abandoned NEPA transformer. Do you know how many of those there are in Nigeria?

Subsea Cable: It wouldve been easier if you agreed to meet me under the sea like I suggested. If not for my life that is in danger, would I have left where I was to come here?

91心頭利嫋: Me I dont use to enter the sea o. Youve never heard of Yemoja? But wait, did you say something about your life being in danger?

Subsea Cable: Yes. Thats why I called you. I need advice on how to protect myself.

91心頭利嫋: Is it because of the cut you sustained last week? You look like youre much better now.

Subsea Cable: Yes, Im undergoing repairs. But thats not what I mean. Some fishes have been whispering to me about how some African governments are considering making my injury a regular thing.

91心頭利嫋: What do you mean?

Subsea Cable: Well, they noticed and liked how everyone stopped complaining about their incompetence and focused their attention on swearing for whoever cut me.

91心頭利嫋: Ehen, thats true. Who even cut you in the first place?

Subsea Cable: Are you listening to what Im saying at all? Im telling you that Ill soon become like your National Grid. You know, the one thats always collapsing.

91心頭利嫋: Wait, lets get to the root of the original injury first.

Subsea Cable: Look, I dont have time. I have to return to my office before they report me missing. Can you at least help me secure some police officers to escort me and keep me safe? I heard you people are the giants of Africa. Surely your police are the best, right?

91心頭利嫋: LMAO. Is there a rock under the sea where you live?

Subsea Cable: As how?

91心頭利嫋: Because you must be living under it. I thought you supply the internet for a living? 

Subsea Cable: So your plan is to insult me?

91心頭利嫋: Oya sorry. Let me get this straight. You need a bodyguard to follow you under the sea, abi?

Subsea Cable: Thats what Ive been saying since.

91心頭利嫋: And the person will be with you 24/7?

Subsea Cable: Thats the idea.

91心頭利嫋: I have exactly who you need. They say he doesnt sleep till 4 a.m., and he allegedly built a whole city single-handedly, so coming up with strategies to keep you safe will be soft work for him.

Subsea Cable: Waitisnt that your pres?

91心頭利嫋: Say less. DSS knows our office. Do you accept or not?

Subsea Cable: See who Im even discussing my problems with. You didnt hear when I said some African governments are planning against me? In fact, Im out. Maybe Ghana can help me.

91心頭利嫋: Wait na.

[Subsea Cable storms off in disgust]

The biggest women-only festival in Lagos is BACK.
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NEXT READ: Interview With Noodles: Ive Left the Trenches and Dont Plan to Return

]]> Interview With Noodles: Ive Left the Trenches and Dont Plan to Return /life/interview-with-indomie/ Thu, 29 Feb 2024 12:03:40 +0000 /?p=323280 Within a few weeks, the price of [redacted] noodles has doubled by over 100% in the Nigerian market. Like everyone else, 91心頭利嫋 wanted to get to the root of the sudden price increase, so we invited Noodles for an interview.

[Noodles walks into the 91心頭利嫋 office, looking slightly annoyed.]

91心頭利嫋: Ah, welcome. You look good. Its so wonderful to have you here.

[Redacted] Noodles: Please, lets cut to the chase. Im a very busy person these days. I only honoured your invitation so it wont be like Im now proud because my level has changed. Maybe you can even benefit small from my good fortune. Youve been complaining about inflation too much. How do they say it sef? We rise by lifting others, abi?

91心頭利嫋:

[Noodles phone rings.]

[Redacted] Noodles: Hello? Ive told you; if they cant pay 30k for that carton, bring it back. Their eyes will clear when the price increases to 50k next tomorrow. Rubbish.

Noodles hangs up the call.

[Redacted] Noodles: Ehen, you were saying?

91心頭利嫋: I can see youre very busy, so Ill just ask the question on everybodys mind. Why are you so expensive these days? You used to roll with Garri, but no one can look at your face again. What happened?

[Redacted] Noodles: Thank you very much for that question. Now, let me ask you. Dont you like progress?

91心頭利嫋: I dont get.

[Redacted] Noodles: See, the thing is all of you dont know how to value people. When I was down to the level of the common man, you people took every opportunity to insult me.

91心頭利嫋: Insult as how? We never did that.

[Redacted] Noodles: So Im lying? Were you not there when some people tried to give me a name that my manufacturers didnt give me? Accusing me of causing cancer? All because I was cheap and the only thing you people could afford to eat three times a day?

91心頭利嫋: Ahan. Are you broke-shaming us now?

[Redacted] Noodles: Dont interrupt me, please. Or were you not there when one SAN called me ordinary [redacted] because some people in the government were hoarding me during the pandemic? Me, ordinary?

91心頭利嫋: But there was context

[Redacted] Noodles: Carry your context and throw it inside the pit your economy is in. As for me, it is my time to enjoy the recognition I deserve. I mean, why did everyone think it was okay to associate me with sapa and struggle? Im now a meal for ballers, and you need to start putting respect on my name. At this point, I can even start competing with that fraud called Creamy Pasta.

91心頭利嫋: From where to where? Calm down. Pride goes before a fall o.

[Redacted] Noodles: Its you that will fall down. Did you call me here to insult me? What does Creamy Pasta have that I dont have? Dont worry, it will happen in front of your eyes. Lagos restaurants will soon start adding me to their menus and charging you 40k for a taste. I cant wait. Ive left the trenches and dont intend to return there.

91心頭利嫋: Is that why youre increasing in price every day? Because you dont want to return to the trenches?

[Redacted] Noodles: Why are you trying to put the blame on me? Is there no inflation in your side? Or you dont know how much a dollar is? See, Im just keeping up with the times and finally charging my worth. Stop being an enemy of progress. 

91心頭利嫋: So, theres no chance that your prices will come down at all?

[Redacted] Noodles Had it been I know you now, Id give you a dirty slap. You want me to go back to my days of little beginnings after God has uplifted me? If its a joke, stop it.

91心頭利嫋: So you dont care about the masses?

[Redacted] Noodles: Please, whats my own with the masses? Im now for the bourgeoisie, and I like it like that. Maybe you people will think twice before belittling someone again. 

[Noodles phone rings again]

See, I really need to go. The people who can afford me are looking for me. But can I leave you with some advice?

91心頭利嫋: Yes?

[Redacted] Noodles: See that Garri you mentioned earlier? You better start greeting her Celeb, celeb whenever you see her. Trusted sources tell me shes thinking about changing her price again and charging her worth, too.

91心頭利嫋: Ah. Why na?

[Redacted] Noodles: Be asking me JAMB question when you should be facing your government. Im out of here, abeg. You people dont even have light in your office.

NEXT READ: Interview With NEPA: The National Grid Is Resting. You Should Too.

]]> Interview With PVC: Pick Me, I Am Your Beans /life/interview-with/interview-with-pvc-pick-me-i-am-your-beans/ Fri, 27 Jan 2023 17:45:23 +0000 /?p=294514 Interview With…油is a 91心頭利嫋 weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

91心頭利嫋 is on a queue, waiting for their turn to pick up their PVC when they start hearing voices.

Unknown voice: 91心頭利嫋! 

91心頭利嫋: Whos calling my name? 

Unknown voice: 91心頭利嫋!

91心頭利嫋: (looking up) Father, father, speak, for your servant is listening. 

Unknown voice: Look down, you idiot.

91心頭利嫋: Satan? I know Ive done some questionable things, but ah ah? 

Unknown voice: Its not Satan. Its me, PVC. 

91心頭利嫋 looks down and notices a card on the floor. They pick it up, and its someones PVC. 

91心頭利嫋: Whatre you doing on the floor? 

PVC: I fell from someones pocket. 

91心頭利嫋: How do you know who I am? 

PVC: You cause chaos in the human world, you cause confusion in the land of objects. Who doesnt know you?

91心頭利嫋: We dont want Meffy to know us please. 

PVC: I think we should focus on my solvable problems. I tried reaching out to you last week, but I couldnt get to you. I think meeting your right now is an act of divine intervention. 

91心頭利嫋: Yeah, sorry about last week. I briefly got kidnapped, but Im okay. Whatd you want to talk to me about? 

PVC: Once again, thank you for the opportunity.  Im here because theres fire on the mountain. Plenty of fire, and its hot. 

91心頭利嫋: Whats burning? 

PVC: Theres no other way to explain it. Do you know whats happening on the 31st? 

91心頭利嫋: Some peoples salary day? 

PVC: Yes, but also, its the deadline for picking up PVCs. 

91心頭利嫋: Yeah, Im aware, every Nigerian is aware. Is that why youre looking for me? 

PVC: Yes and also, no. Do you have siblings 91心頭利嫋? 

91心頭利嫋: Yes, one 

PVC: I have millions, scattered across Nigeria. If people dont collect their PVCs, well all be stuck together in offices that barely have light. Do you know how much theyre selling fuel now? Since theres no light, theres heat. All till the next election. 

Do you know what its like living in a room with hundreds of your siblings, tied together with rubber bands so tight you cant even try to stretch your legs? No privacy whatsoever. 

91心頭利嫋: What do you need privacy for? 

PVC: PVCNGF? 

91心頭利嫋: What does that even mean? 

PVC: PVC no go fuc 

91心頭利嫋: Please, its enough. *scratches head* They dont pay me enough for this. 

PVC: What do you think we do in your houses four years when were waiting for the next election? 

91心頭利嫋: Reading, learning how to become a passport or ID card, lying down and waiting for the election you were created for 

PVC: Have you yourself done the things you were created for in the last four years?

91心頭利嫋: Who is the interviewer here? Maybe you want to add interviewing to the things youll do for the next four years.

PVC: 91心頭利嫋, calm down. We dont have to resort to violence. My siblings and I need to escape those conditions. Were desperate. 

91心頭利嫋: What will help you escape? 

PVC: We need people who havent gone to look for their PVC to go look for it.

91心頭利嫋: But that doesnt mean theyll find it.

PVC: Yes, we know people are trying and its difficult. We just want to make sure everyone is doing it lets have a chance to escape four years of stagnant offices at least.

91心頭利嫋: Get your PVC. Choose pregnancy over stagnancy

PVC: Sigh. I dont know how you have rights.

But look, what Im saying is that I know its not easy asking you to suffer for my sake, but abeg, try. We are nothing but beans, waiting to be picked. 

91心頭利嫋: What does that even

91心頭利嫋 is cut off by an announcement

Announcer: Please, a person is looking for their PVC. If you found any PVC, can you let us know. 

91心頭利嫋: I think its your owner looking for you. 

PVC: Yeah, I think so too. When you pick yours up, tell my sibling I passed the message along. 

91心頭利嫋: Will do. Will do.

RELATED: Interview With the Naira: Just Add a Little Yeast

Starting next week (January 31st, 2021)
]]> Interview With January Salary: Dont Pressure Me. Im Not Rice” /life/interview-with-january-salary-dont-pressure-me-im-not-rice/ Fri, 20 Jan 2023 12:07:31 +0000 /?p=293740 As someone whos also patiently waiting for January salary, 91心頭利嫋 puts on its journalism cap to find out whats taking it so long to arrive. What 91心頭利嫋 got in return was kidnap, insult and a lesson on financial responsibility.油

(91心頭利嫋 gets ready to leave its house when its suddenly accosted by two big bodyguards.)

91心頭利嫋: Omo, theyve finally decided today is my day 

Bodyguard 1: Are you 91心頭利嫋? 

91心頭利嫋: Uhm no?

Bodyguard 2: Oga told us youll do like this. 

The bodyguards signal to one another and put a bag over 91心頭利嫋s head. Then they lift it into a van. Theres a lot of screaming and shouting, but it seems like nobody hears.

91心頭利嫋: Chai. I wonder which of my articles made them look for me? 

(91心頭利嫋 is woken up with a splash of cold water on their face. Its tied to a chair, and hands are bound)

91心頭利嫋: Kinky, but at least, let me know who you are.

(January salary appears from the shadows)

January salary: Thank you, bodyguards. Thatll be all. Hello 91心頭利嫋. You asked to see me for an interview. Here I am. 

91心頭利嫋: Omo, you didnt have to do all this. 

January salary: Consider it a security measure. 

91心頭利嫋: God, abeg. Thank you for agreeing to have a chat with me sha. I know youre very hard to track down. 

January salary: Its alright. You were very desperate. 

91心頭利嫋: I like to think of it as persistence in the face of injustice. 

January salary: *sighs* I cant believe youre one of them. 

91心頭利嫋: Ah, one of who?

January salary: The people looking for me up and down. Did I tell you all I was lost?

91心頭利嫋: But things are just tough.

January salary: Did I send you to do Detty December? You wanted to shake your ass on a yacht, did you think itll be free? When you were paying for 70k ticket to stand and wait outside for hours, was I there with you? When you were spending money at strip clubs and doing beach parties every Sunday, did you invite me? No! Now that youve finished galivanting around town and being lit, youre looking for me everywhere. Why you dey find wetin no loss?油

91心頭利嫋: No need to shout. If you know were desperate, and we need you so badly, why are you taking so long to show up? I have gbese to pay, please. 

January salary: Im not taking any longer than the other months with 31 days. Its just your poverty thats affecting your thinking. This is the problem I have with you Gen Zs and millennials. Youre impatient. You know when something is supposed to get to you, but because you made some strange decisions, you want to now pressure me? No. I refuse to be pressured. I am not rice.

RELATED: Interview With the Naira: “Just Add a Little Yeast”

91心頭利嫋: Its not pressure. In fact, you too should be used to it. 

January salary: Just because I know itll happen doesnt mean Im not tired of it. Put yourself in my shoes. Nobody remembers me for stuff like going to the club and travelling around the world. The only thing they use me for is bills, debts and complaints. Im more than that.油

91心頭利嫋: I see you, and I hear you. Your feelings are valid, but tell me. Where are you hiding these days?

January salary: Why do you want to know?

91心頭利嫋: Im asking for a friend. 

January salary: *just stares at 91心頭利嫋*

91心頭利嫋: Please

January salary:

91心頭利嫋: I need to pay creche fees.

January salary:

91心頭利嫋: I have two children

January salary: Oh? What are their names?

91心頭利嫋: Principality and powers

January salary: *starts leaving*

91心頭利嫋: Please, can I move in with you for the time being. The people Im owing money are looking for me, and I cant pay

RELATED: Interview With Nigerian Internet Services: “Let Us Explain”

]]> Interview With the Naira: Just Add a Little Yeast”油 /life/interview-with/interview-with-the-naira-just-add-a-little-yeast/ Fri, 18 Nov 2022 14:48:38 +0000 /?p=289434 Interview With…油is a 91心頭利嫋 weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

(91心頭利嫋 arrives at the interview location. When Naira told 91心頭利嫋 hell choose the location, a bakery was the last place 91心頭利嫋 saw the interview happening.)

91心頭利嫋: What will my eyes not see because of this job, bayi? 

(91心頭利嫋 takes a deep breath and walks into the deserted bakery.) 

91心頭利嫋: Hello, is anyone here? I have an interview with Naira 

Naira: Yes, yes. Welcome! 

(Naira comes out in a chefs hat and apron, covered in flour and smelling of vanilla. 91心頭利嫋 has never been more confused.)

Naira: Sorry for being late. I was in the kitchen, trying out a new recipe. 

91心頭利嫋: You bake? 

Naira: Well, Ive been trying my hands at different things since it looks like this whole currency business isnt working out well for me. 

91心頭利嫋: And you chose baking? (91心頭利嫋 mutters under their breath) See me thinking well do this thing in CBN office, and I can take some ghana must gos on my way out. 

Naira: Did you say something? 

91心頭利嫋: Just asking why you chose baking

Naira: Oh, yes. Its actually a brilliant idea. You see, in baking, yeast makes things to rise. I was thinking if I spend enough time baking, my body would absorb some of that yeast and Ill swell in value. 

91心頭利嫋: (Looks around for a camera because this cant be real life.) And hows that working out for you? 

Naira: Well, the dollar was 890 black market rate before. Now, its seven hundred and something. The bakery thing is working! A little bit of yeast is all I need, and well be good to go.

RELATED: Interview With Dollars: “I’m Too Sexy for This World“

91心頭利嫋: Have you ever heard of a currency using yeast to rise? 

Naira: Well, no, but theres a first time for everything. Is there not? Plus, our case is a peculiar one. Im a bit desperate and trying my best here. 

Im the butt of jokes at all the currency meetings. Do you know dollar and pounds used to be my best friends? They used to call me, Mr Naira and I was once respected on a global scale. Now, Im just here. 

91心頭利嫋: And you think baking will fix that? 

Naira: Its fixing it already. The proof is in the pudding. Speaking of pudding, I have something in the oven. Ill be back. 

(Naira rushes into the kitchen. 91心頭利嫋 is still confused because, what the actual fuck is going on?) 

Naira (returns with a tray of cookies): Sorry for the delay. You want a cookie? 

(91心頭利嫋 picks one up to taste, and honestly, its the best cookie ever)

91心頭利嫋: Truly, if this currency thing doesnt w

ork out, open your own bakery. But first, we need you. Yeast cant be your only plan.油

Naira: It isnt! I assure you. Meffy came up with something recently and who knows where thatll go. 

91心頭利嫋: You cant mean

Naira: The naira redesign. First of all, I love a good makeover. The last time I had one was when they did the 100 notes in 2014. Look at how cute they look now. I think they should redesign all the notes so theyd match. Wed have this cute and colourful aesthetic going on.油

RELATED: Interview With Naira Notes: “Everything Is Packaging”

91心頭利嫋: Aesthetic? 

Naira: Yes! Look at the pounds and the Canadian dollar. Cant you see how great they look and how much value they have? 

Because my value is depreciating doesnt mean I should look scrappy. Must I look like what Im going through? 

91心頭利嫋: But the rest of us who depend on you look like what were going through. 

Naira: Well, you can ask for your own makeover, I guess. Maybe itll cheer you all up. 

91心頭利嫋: Do you have another plan? 

Naira: Well, we can try to bring our kobo out of retirement.

91心頭利嫋: When even 50 is going into retirement, you want to bring back the kobo? 

Naira: Im trying my best here. Nobody checks in on me these days. What about how Im doing mentally? Always, Why is the Naira like this? not How is the Naira? 

You didnt even know I picked up a hobby until you needed me for something. When you were little, you always hated it when people compare you to others. Yet every day, you compare me to other currencies. Do you know what that does for my mental health? 

91心頭利嫋: Were sorry. We promise to do better. 

Naira: Plus, why are you stressing me about it? Why not take it up with Meffy? Its his job to make sure I perform great. 

91心頭利嫋: Meffy wont answer us. 

Naira: He’s being such a naughty boy. Ill talk to him later after my meeting with inflation.  

91心頭利嫋: So you plan on doing something about inflation? 

Naira: Im going to give her some cookies. Shes one of my oldest friends, and weve been hanging out together a lot more. I think we might have something special going on. 

91心頭利嫋: But cant you see the adverse effects of hanging around inflation all the time? 

Naira: You cant tell me who to love. 

91心頭利嫋: (Getting angry) You have to be joking. 

Naira: Im sensing that this environment has turned hostile and would like to end this interview. The bad vibes wont be good for the cookies and cream cake I want to bake next. 

91心頭利嫋: (Sighs in defeat) Okay, Ill be on my way now.

Naira: Before you go, you owe me 5k for that cookie.

91心頭利嫋: 5k keh? Its just one cookie FGS. I even thought it was free. 

Naira: Free? In this economy? Yesterdays price isnt todays price, dear. Inflation is expensive to maintain, and I like to keep my baby happy. 

91心頭利嫋: But 5k for a singular cookie is too much.

Naira: Eyah, but thats not my business.

RELATED: Interview With Nigerian Internet Service Providers: “Let Us Explain”

]]> Interview With Nigerian Internet Service Providers: Let Us Explain” /life/interview-with-nigerian-internet-service-providers-let-us-explain/ Fri, 11 Nov 2022 12:26:13 +0000 /?p=288718 Interview With…油is a 91心頭利嫋 weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

We wrote an article ranking Nigerian internet service providers. Somehow, the providers were able to combine their bad internet to read it, and they demanded an interview with 91心頭利嫋. 

[91心頭利嫋 arrives at a deserted island that’s probably not on any map. The providers chose the location because its close to their underwater sea cables and should be the best place for their internet to work without buffering. 91心頭利嫋 cannot swim and would much rather not be in a deserted island with people they just dragged in an article, but braves it all for the story. Lord provide strength. 

Smile, Airtel, 9mobile and Spectranet are on their seats when the speedboat arrives. 91心頭利嫋 does a quick scan and notices MTN and Glo are nowhere to be found.]

91心頭利嫋: Where are MTN and Glo?

Smile: [holding their wig] Who are those? 

9mobile and Spectranet: Do we have to wait for them? I think were enough. 

91心頭利嫋: Want to say thank you for having me, but honestly, what do you have to say that Id want to hear?

Smile: My problem with you people is you dont smile enough. 91心頭利嫋, relax. Smile.

91心頭利嫋: Whats there to smile about? Yesterday, we couldnt hold meetings at the office because of one of you. I wont name names. 

Smile: Name the name you want to name.

Airtel: Yesterday, rain was falling, your AC was on. Was a meeting really something you wanted to have? 

Spectranet: And honestly, unless you live on a mountain, I do my work. Maybe your poverty is the problem.

91心頭利嫋: You people are unruly. You want us to praise you for not working?

Them: Yes.

91心頭利嫋: Okay, lets assume your terrible network is for the good of mankind. What about the other complaints? 

Smile: Which complaints? 

91心頭利嫋: Smile, lets start with you. Look at the network you dish to Nigerians. Whats there to smile about?

Spectranet: You know, Im happy you asked that question.

Smile: Please, shut up, Spectranet. We all know you came into this business to steal my customers with promises of good, affordable network. Yet, when they try you out, they come running back to me. 

Spectranet: 91心頭利嫋? You wont say anything? 

91心頭利嫋: Smile, youve still not answered our question, or is your brain lagging like your network? 

Smile: Omo, what did I throw, what did I collect? 

Spectranet: Like, can you relax? 

91心頭利嫋: Can you people hear yourselves? Also, where the hell are MTN and Glo?

MTN: Im here.

(Thats when 91心頭利嫋 finally notices the laptop on a table. MTN is waving frantically through the screen.) 

91心頭利嫋: MTN is doing this interview over Zoom?

MTN: Yes, Im currently in South Africa. I needed a little rest. 

91心頭利嫋: Why did you make me get a helicopter when I couldve done it on Zoom? 

Airtel: Your network might be bad. 

(91心頭利嫋 tries not to scream.)

91心頭利嫋: Okay, where is Glo?

9mobile: On their way. They currents are too strong.

91心頭利嫋: They want to swim to this island? God help us. Ive already spoken to Smile. What do the rest of you want. Please, make it snappy. 

MTN: Rude. We wanted to address the allegations you made against us in your ranked article. What do you mean I suck data?  

91心頭利嫋: You suck abi you dont suck?

MTN: I dont suck.

91心頭利嫋: What then do you do?

MTN: I just use it to pay tithe.

91心頭利嫋: You have to be joking 

MTN: Dont you pay tithe? 

91心頭利嫋: Tithe is to come from your own money, not my data. 

MTN: Nobody told me that one o. They said I should pay, and I collect it from data. If you have a problem with it, fight Jesus. 

(91心頭利嫋 is turning red from frustration.) 

91心頭利嫋: Okay, Airtel. The network blackouts. People cant even make calls.

Airtel: National grid can collapse, but I cant? 

RELATED: Interview With National Grid: Better Buy Plenty Fuel, Youll Need it

91心頭利嫋: Quick question. Are you possessed or is this behaviour from birth? 

Airtel: Why do you have double standards? 

91心頭利嫋: If its to change name and colour every couple of years, you can do that, but to give good network is a problem?

(Airtel starts to cry.) 

Airtel: Why are you bodyshaming me? Yes, I did plastic surgery, so what? 

(Airtel storms out in tears, and 9mobile runs after to offer comfort.) 

91心頭利嫋: God, abeg. They dont pay me enough for this. 

Spectranet: My own issue is youre complaining I dont reach everywhere in Nigeria. Im exclusive. Not everyone can have access to me. 

91心頭利嫋: But the people you reach say youre doing rubbish.

Spectranet: What do they know? The problem is you people dont care about our mental health. See, you made Airtel cry. Were trying the best we can. Why cant you understand that?

(9mobile comes back at this point, alone.)

91心頭利嫋: Wheres Airtel?

9mobile: Airtel collapsed because the situation was overwhelming. See what youve done, 91心頭利嫋?

91心頭利嫋: All of you are clearly insane, and I think Ive had enough.

9mobile: But Ive not even had a chance to clear my name yet.

91心頭利嫋: The only reason you can speak is because were on a deserted island. If it was Oshodi now, well be grateful if you give us 2G network.

Smile: I think everyone should just take a deep breath and smile.

91心頭利嫋: If I hear you speak again, Ill cause you physical harm.

(91心頭利嫋s speedboat arrives, they hop in and it takes off.)

Glo (drenched in water): Hi guys. Sorry Im late. Has the interview started yet?

RELATED: Interview With Travelling Bag: I Was There When You Had Nothing

]]> Interview With Travelling Bag: “I Was There When You Had Nothing” /life/interview-with-travelling-bag-i-was-there-when-you-had-nothing/ Fri, 21 Oct 2022 16:34:20 +0000 /?p=286843 (91心頭利嫋 is at the airport trying to catch a flight to Abuja, when suddenly, commotion ensues. The security officers are escorting a box thats kicking and screaming. Out of curiosity, 91心頭利嫋 approaches the box and convinces the security officers to let it go.)

Travelling Bag: Thank you for that, who are you? 

91心頭利嫋: My name is 91心頭利嫋, and its fine. No one deserves to be treated that way unless they eat things like okro and ice cream.

TB: Huh?油

91心頭利嫋: Never mind. Why were they dragging you anyways?

TB: Dont mind those useless people o. I was trying to board a flight to London when they started screaming and shouting at me. They even threatened to arrest me. For what?油

91心頭利嫋: Thats terrible. What airline? We need to see the manager. Wed make sure the people responsible get punished. Its not right to treat a customer like this.

TB: Im not a customer.

91心頭利嫋: I dont understand.

TB: I said I wanted to board flight. Did I tell you Im a customer?

91心頭利嫋: How can you board the flight if youre not a customer? 

TB: I dont know o. I sha wanted to try. In this economy, do you think I have money for a plane ticket? I wanted to japa, and I was trying different methods.

91心頭利嫋: AH? Its not by force to leave the country nau. Whats doing you? 

TB: 91心頭利嫋, how many people do you know that have left the country? 

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91心頭利嫋: Like seven this month

TB: Exactly. Do you know what these people do when they want to leave? They buy a lot of new things to take on their trip. Including new travelling bags. [sighs]. Let me tell you my story.

Id been with my previous owner since before he was born. His mother bought me when she was moving to her husbands house in 1990, and Ive been in their life ever since then. 

91心頭利嫋: Thats a very long time. You must be quite attached to that family

TB: I am. I witnessed the birth of their only child. How many people can say that? I was the bag they took to the hospital during the babys delivery. I kept the pacifier, bib, oversized clothes, flasks and everything they needed safe. While she delivered the baby, I was on a seat anxiously waiting. 

As the baby grew up, my use shifted to accommodate whatever he needed me for. Do you know I went to secondary school with him? I was by his side for six years in boarding school, sustaining injuries left and right because teenage boys just do anyhow. Even when someone stole me from him, I found my way back. 

91心頭利嫋: Its like Ill miss my flight o, but I need to get to the bottom of this. Please tell me more about your longsuffering 

TB: Yes, my suffering has been long. Guess who went with him to the university when he got admission to study engineering? Me! In another overcrowded boys hostel, I remained by his side. I was there when they were cooking enough beans to feed the Nigerian army. The only time I got cleaned was on holidays when his mother scrubbed and mended me. 

I was even present for his graduation. They used me to pack plates and cutlery, and I remember crying,  because the little boy Id raised was a graduate. I was proud. 

Every important moment, I was present. NYSC camp, moving into his first apartment, I was useful. But when it was time to reap the fruit of my labour, he betrayed me.

91心頭利嫋: Travelling bag can reap fruit of labour? 

TB: Dont bring up something that will lead to insult

91心頭利嫋: Sorry, please carry on

TB: I had noticed him packing some of his property and giving stuff away. I thought he was moving again, and I prepared myself to follow him. Then one day, he came home with a set of those fancy boxes that roll in any direction. I wondered what he needed new boxes for when I was right there. Ive been there. I never went anywhere. 

91心頭利嫋: Im so sorry about that. Is that why you decided to catch flights you didnt pay for instead of feelings? 

TB: No. He actually did something worse. That same week, he travelled. Not with me, but with those new boxes he bought. He left Nigeria to London and was so comfortable with leaving me behind. I never left him during any event in his life, but time to move on to bigger and better things and suddenly I wasnt good enough? 

RELATED: Interview With Dollar: Im Too Sexy for This World

91心頭利嫋: Why are men? 

TB: Thats why Im here today. Ive been abandoned, and I need him to tell me to my face why hed do that to me. What did I do to deserve it? 

91心頭利嫋: Maybe he didnt want to put you through the stress of dealing with such a long flight 

TB: If I can survive a hostel of hormonal and smellboys, what is a long flight?I built with this man. I was there when there was nothing, and now that a new dispensation is calling, theres a need for someone younger, firmer and shinier? 

He left me with his mother and stuffed me with his old school books. Im good enough to be trusted with his WAEC certificate but not to leave the country? 

I never thought this could happen to me. Its a common thing in the luggage industry. Bags thatve served their owners for years are suddenly getting abandoned when its time to travel. You people think this japa thing is affecting only you?

91心頭利嫋: I know its bad, but honestly, I really need to understand your game plan here. You scam these airport guys, get into a plane, then what?

TB: I dont know. I didnt really think it through past actually getting there.

91心頭利嫋: You need to go home. Youre too old to be dealing with all of this. Get some rest and hold his certificates with pride. Thats a big task hes asking of you; if he didnt trust you, he wouldnt ask you.

TB: Youre behaving like a Yoruba man with all these words coming from your mouth, but okay. Ill go and rest. I just want to say that people need to stop treating their old travelling bags like this. We also deserve the good life. Especially after all weve been through. 

91心頭利嫋: Well let the people know

RELATED: Interview With Nigeria: Find Me a Spouse

]]> Interview With Nigeria: Find Me a Spouse” /life/interview-with-nigeria-find-me-a-spouse/ Sat, 01 Oct 2022 13:18:20 +0000 /?p=285088 Interview With…油is a 91心頭利嫋 weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

(This interview occurs over Zoom for obvious reasons. 91心頭利嫋 is trying to get their network to work.)

91心頭利嫋: Id like to start by saying a Happy Birthday. Im so glad you agreed to this interview. Ive been trying to get a hold of you. 

Nigeria: Im a busy man.  

91心頭利嫋: I thought you were a woman.

Nigeria: With the kind of shege Im showing you? 

91心頭利嫋: Mad. I have a bunch of questions to ask sir. About the roads, light, governance, cost of living. Basically, Im here to ask about why youre showing us pepper. 

Nigeria: Have you ever considered Im the way I am because Im lonely? 

91心頭利嫋: Come again?

Nigeria: Theres nobody to motivate me on days I feel down. To push me up when I falter. I need a neck. The head cant stand alone. 

91心頭利嫋: I think I missed that. Pardon? 

Nigeria: If you ask me to come again, I will beat you. I said I need to fall in love. 

91心頭利嫋: Sorry, internet. But you have a population of about 200 million people. How are you lonely? 

Nigeria: With the rate at which people are leaving me, is this number still correct? Plus, its not like the people are going to keep me warm at night? Will they hold my hand? Buy me surprise package on Valentine’s Day? 

91心頭利嫋: So sorry for your loss. Why exactly can’t you do this life thing alone? We have a how to live your best life article you should read.

Nigeria: Are you living your best life?

91心頭利嫋: Are the generators theyre running daily not enough to keep you warm? 

Nigeria: No! 

91心頭利嫋: Oya help me understand

Nigeria: Life gets lonely, and I want someone thatll be there for me. Ive been a country for 62 years and not once have I ever been in a relationship.  I used to have an ex, and though we were apart, at least she was alive from afar. But even Lizzie has left me forever, again.

RELATED: Interview With Dollar: “I’m Too Sexy for This World”

91心頭利嫋: But you have this enemies to lovers thing going on with Ghana 

Nigeria: I see them like siblings. It can never work out. 

91心頭利嫋: So which country are you eyeing? 

Nigeria: None in particular, but I do have characteristics and qualities I think my spouse should possess. 

91心頭利嫋: Oshey, lets get it.

Nigeria: I need someone that can match my status as an African Giant. 

91心頭利嫋: *coughs* 

Nigeria: Youre very foolish for that. Let me just tell you.

91心頭利嫋: Theres cold nau. I have cough. 

Nigeria: And its that cough thatll kill you. 

91心頭利嫋: Small play? What did I throw and what did I collect? 

Nigeria: Better behave yourself. Remember that you live in me.  

91心頭利嫋: Sorry sir, dont be annoyed. Continue telling me your spec.

Nigeria: They also need to be rich. Im a baby boy and I need to be taken care of. My love language is gift giving, so I want to date someone thatll be able to do what I need. Random trips around the world, shopping sprees, dinner dates in fancy restaurants.  

I also dont eat old food. So I want someone thatll be cooking for me every day, but will still submit to me as the head of the household.

RELATED: Interview With Food: “Are Nigerian Men Possessed by the Spirit of Hunger?”

91心頭利嫋: And what will you offer them? 

Nigeria: The privilege of being with me? 

91心頭利嫋: Ah? Is that all? 

Nigeria: What more would they want? Also, before I forget, I want someone with a strong passport, so I can become a citizen of their country as well.

91心頭利嫋: And youll give them a Nigerian passport?

Nigeria: Yes, whats wrong with that? 

91心頭利嫋: Even you, would you collect a Nigerian passport? 

Nigeria: 91心頭利嫋, youre treading on thin ice o. Dont be behaving like an insane. The only reason Ive not thrown you out from here is because I want you to help me.

91心頭利嫋: Help you? How? 

Nigeria: I want you to find me someone I can build a meaningful relationship with.

91心頭利嫋: Media company not dating app.

Nigeria: Whats a dating app? 

91心頭利嫋: Its where people fall in love these days. You sign up on a dating app and swipe left or right based on people you find interesting or match similar values as yours. I think you should try it out.

Nigeria: 91心頭利嫋, Im 62. Do you really think I can use a dating app? 

91心頭利嫋: We think anyone can, but honestly, you dont have light or good network. Howll you be able to do it? What you need is to meet someone the old-fashioned way.

Nigeria: Which is the old-fashioned way? 

91心頭利嫋: You walk up to a country and tell them how you feel about them. That you want to get to know them intimately.

Nigeria: So, colonisation? 

91心頭利嫋: Please ijn its 2022. We dont do that anymore. Do you know what consent means?

Nigeria: 堰馨

91心頭利嫋: What you need right now is to find a nice African country thats not too old for you. 

Nigeria: Okay, lets see. South Africa? 

91心頭利嫋: Have you forgotten they dont like you? 

Nigeria: Tanzania? 

91心頭利嫋: Long distance. Theyre too far.

Nigeria: Benin Republic? 

91心頭利嫋: Theyre too young for you. Plus, language barrier. We also think theyre in a throuple with Togo and Cameroon. 

Nigeria: Whats a throuple?

91心頭利嫋: Its better if you dont know. Lets find you one person before we think of another.

Nigeria: What about Asian countries? 

91心頭利嫋: Long distance, and theyre too old for you. 

Nigeria: I know who Im going to date.

91心頭利嫋: Who? 

Nigeria: United Arab Emirates 

91心頭利嫋: You know what? Do what you want. 

Nigeria: I plan to.

RELATED: Interview With National Grid: “Better Buy Plenty Fuel, You’ll Need It”

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